14/10/2012

X Factor Live Shows, Week 2 - Unfortunately for music, Rylan reigned supreme


Jade
So the endurance test that is this years X Factor continues... If they’d cut out the interminable VT’s where the contestants remind us ad infinitum of their woes, the whole thing could be done in half an hour and we could all watch a good film or something. It was particularly pointless this week as Lucy trumped everyone with the sad story of the passing of her Nan. (My condolences Lucy of you happen to read this). This week's theme was ‘Love and Heartbreak”, which was fitting as I definitely felt heartbroken as I listened to the contestants murder some of my favourite songs.

Two questions:
  1. Why were lines open before anyone has sung a note?? What with that and “Deadlock-gate” last week, I am already smelling a fix…
  2. Is Nicole this year's Caroline Flack? That Tabasco & Baby Oil stuff directed at a bunch of 12 year olds (one of Louis’ generic boy bands), was more than a little bit pervy...
Whilst we’re on the subject of Nicole, I am seriously considering writing to the X Factor to demand that Nicole be muzzled for the rest of the series. She spouted a serious amount if useless drivel last night, including a totally unnecessary  'en pointe." There's no way I'll cope with 8 more weeks of this...

It is with a heavy heart that I turn to the contestants. Everyone (according to their VT’s) planned to 'give the performance of their life' last night. Based on what I heard, (a number of the performances could at best be described as dire..), everyone will be dead next week. On the upside, at least that means the show will be shorter..

Lucy singing "Gold Digger' with her guitar - not good
The Girls: Lucy just wasn’t good I’m afraid, as someone on the Xtra factor pointed out, she should have entered ‘Britain’s Got talent”, she’d have won that hands done. The X factor just doesn’t suit her ‘unique’ style. She does what she does brilliantly and I’m certain they’ll be a market for it, just not here.
No explicit mention of Jade's kid this week having been trumped by Lucy, but she managed to chuck in a sneaky reference to the school run, lest we forget. Jade has an interesting Gabrielle-esq voice, which I actually quite like, however, she made one of my favourite Amy Winehouse songs sound like a dirge, which is a shame as I really used to like that song....
Ella was of course very good, despite being dressed like a 40 year old housewife. (A blind one at that, who did her make up?? Was it done in the dark using a trowel?) I repeat my call from last week: Why are we even bothering to waste all the other contestants time by holding this 'competition'? They should just give her the money now and give us 8 weeks of Rylan camping it up.
Jahmene dressed as an extra from Miami Vice
The boys: I hate to admit this, but I actually quite liked James. This week, he wasn’t wearing guy liner which was definitely a plus. Also, he took Nicole to a pub, where, try as she might, she couldn’t stop herself from looking uncomfortable. If he had force fed her Guinness and Pork scratching, I would have instantly become his biggest fan.  Jahmeme can sing and benefited from dropping some of the Mariah Carey-esq vocal stylings, however, he was dressed liked an extra from Miami Vice (the original series). Tulissa thought he looked amazing and that that he’d have the “Ladies lining up”. What, to pay for their shopping???

The show had been so dull, that by about half way through I found myself actually becoming excited at the thought of Rylan's performance, he didn’t disappoint. He can't sing, he can't dance, but Rylan was the most entertaining act on that stage last night! I loved his little ‘Take That tease to wind Gary up at the start of his performance. In an attempt to outcamp Rylan, Brian Friedman invented the word ‘Gourgeois’, to describe the staging of Rylan's song. ‘Gourgeois’ WTF???? Stop it Brian, no one can outcamp Rylan, he is in possession of most of the camp in the universe. just be happy with the smattering that he’s allowed you to have.  Also, surely Rylan established a new X factor record last night? I heard at least 4 songs in Rylan's mash-up'. (Loved Gary’s catty "If this was a competition to see how many songs you could kill in 2 minutes” comment btw!) I almost wish I could be bothered to vote, so I could ensure Rylan will be back next week.
Camping it up, Rylan style
To the overs where Louis actually said something I couldn’t disagree with, Kai was bl@@dy boring. Worryingly for Kai, he felt that the performance was a true reflection of him.  As far as I’m concerned thats enough of an offence to get him sent home now. He pretty much admitted that drivel was the best he can do, he's doomed.

Christopher indicated in his VT that he would be ‘singing for his life’ last night. If that was Christopher's attempt at 'singing for his life', I hope he’s ordered his last meal....In summary, it was dreadful, boring, pitchy and overly dramatic. Gary, tried to distract us by saying that Christopher is 'The voice of Liverpool'. Is he Gary? He's taken over from the Beatles then has he? I wasn’t fooled, Gary knows Christopher is not long for the show. He’s even started getting him used to his inevitable future as a lounge singer, by sticking a bar on the set last night. Gary said in his summing up that “changing him is not the way to go”. You’re wrong Gary, very wrong… As for Melanie, what on earth was she wearing?? It was so bad, it almost distracted me from the screaming....Side note: How gallant of Gary to mention that she's 'the oldest contestant in the competition'…

One of the generic boy bands. Union J?
Finally, the Groups and I have just one word to sum up MK1’s performance, dire.  Louis told District 3 (I think? The ones that WEREN’T dressed as modern day street urchins) "You can't do a One Direction song, you'll be compared to them"
 Surely that could only have worked in their favour? What they did sing sounded awful, not least because everyone appeared to be working to a different melody.  I'm sure I heard one of District 3 say "the moral of the story is trust Louis" in their VT. Boys, boys, boys, have you not seen this show before? The moral of last night's performance is, never trust Louis...  Union J, the ones that WERE dressed as modern day street urchins, to my mind, were equally as as bad. The judges however, were rhapsodising about them. What on earth were the judges listening too? Perhaps Union J sound a lot better without wine.... One of the judges said that they had “totally transformed”. I guess they meant from cr@p to sh@te…..

Who'll go tonight? I think it'll be Christopher, thank goodness he's had some practice singing in bars now.

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