X Factor 2011 - Week 3, other wise known as Rock "Weak"...

Thankfully, I missed week 2 and wasn't privy to the horror that was Frankie Crapozza's performance. (Though I will confess to watching Johnny doing Kylie, whilst dressed as a Geisha on You tube. Gary: "You look like something out of Aladdin". Johnny: "You can rub my lamp anytime". Classic!). Sadly, I didn't manage to miss him this week, or any of the others for that matter. It was Rock week and it was very, very, weak. In fact, by the end of it, I could quite happily have thrown rocks at every single one of them. The only exception to that being the lovely Johnny, who is my guilty pleasure, as well as Kelly's, even though Louis had him back in a Bacofoil suit again this week. (Still, it was a step up from the Geisha outfit...)

So I was watching X factor on + 1 and missed the beginning and as a result, was treated to Sammi, followed by RhythmX. Both were truly awful and I quickly concluded that this did not bode well for the remainder of the show. My initial thoughts were proven sound, things did not improve as the show progressed...Comment of the night, which came pretty early on for me, went to Gazza. Gazza to Sammi post her performance, “You know what Louis does - he takes bad acts and makes them even worse". That pretty much summed Sammi’s situation up in one concise sentence.

Thankfully, this years true winners of the X-Factor, old people rapping and singing 'Can I have, it?', to the tune of A Tribe Called Quest‘s ‘Can I kick it?' arrived on an advert for Clover butter. (See below, they put all this years acts to shame). The Yeo Valley Boy Band will have to settle for second place now – sorry boys.

Things did not improve with Sophie...... I think I fell asleep half way through her performance and woke up to see her hobbling across stage as though she was dying for a pee. (I suspect it was those shoes, or possibly the leather troons. Did the stylists have a job lot of leather garments that they had to get through this week? I don’t even want to begin to talk about Sammi’s dress, it appeared they dressed her in an amalgam of all of them….) On the upside, Sophie looked very pretty. On the downside, she sounded awful. On the back of Sophie’s performance I had a ground breaking idea for a ‘week’ on X factor (don’t worry, I have finally put the ‘Doris Day’ week idea to bed), how about “Songs that actually play to the contestants’ strengths” week? Just a thought….

Side note: Are Craig’s ears getting bigger every week? That’s all I could focus on during his performance - anything to distract me from that lopsided grimace he keeps doing. (Just thought, perhaps Craig suffers from some complaint that causes his face to go lopsided when he sings. If that's the case, then, Craig, please accept my profuse and heartfelt apologies. if it isn't the case, SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP IT). Also, why does everyone keep saying Craig is a great singer? He sound like a bleating goat to me. It could of course be that as a result of all the damage done by the ear bleedingly bad contestants over the years, I can no longer recognise good singing when I hear it. Does that mean Misha B is actually really bad? Your thoughts on this conundrum are welcome.

Please make Kitty stop
Kitty the Killer, like all the other contestants, got the theme wrong this week and came as a Dominatrix. She did, at least, attempt a rock song and got a few brownie points for that. The Brownie points were, alas, immediately deducted when her weird performance began.  Louis mentioned that she had plenty of ideas, ''sometimes they’re absolutely weird" he said, "others are a little bit scary". So basically none are good, not unlike her odd performances... The judges were clearly watching an alternate performance to the one I saw, as they all thought she was good. Gary thought Kitty was "the only contestant trying to say something with your music". If that something is "run for your lives", I am receiving it loud and clear... Louis also mentioned that she's on the phone to him 'day and night', making death threats? Perhaps that's why they're pretending she's good.  Apparently though, she’s an artist, (she must be because Tulisa said so), I wish she’d stick to painting and just stop singing then.

I decided at this point to rewind to the start. That decision turned out to be a bit of a mistake, as I was confronted by Marcus, looking incredibly camp and surrounded, once again, by half naked girls. Are none of the X factor producers in possession of gaydar? News flash for the Producers: the dancers you keep asking him to writhe around suggestively with, are not his type. THAT's why he always looks ever so slightly uncomfortable… Suffice to say, Rock ‘Weak’ did not play to the lovely Marcus’s strengths. I would worry about his chances of continuing in the contest, were it not for Frankie Crapozza’s dire performance…

Marcus, looking less than comfortable...
As I mentioned earlier, I missed last week, but I understand Frankie was in the bottom two. I thought that would mean he'd make a special effort tonight to save himself, but clearly, he decided against that. It seems he was busy living it up and chasing girls all week, with Gazza's full backing. (Why exactly were we shown that anyway? It certainly didn't endear him - or The Risk who were shown in a similar setting - to me). Gazza’s strategy of ‘letting Frankie go out and do his thing as he is, after all a youngster’ was a bit of a mistake. It resulted in Frankie giving a performance that can, at best, be described as worse than dreadful. He talk/shouted throughout the whole song and despite the fact that he didn’t actually sing, he still managed to be off key. (A talent in itself one could argue). On the upside, his asthma appears to have cleared up a bit. Louis constructive criticism post the performance was: "…you're over confident...I think you're better than you think you are." Is it just me or does that not make any sense at all???? Gary said that, whilst he had lied for Frankie last week, he wouldn't this week. He then either: blatantly lied again, with his comment that Frankie's performance “...was a comeback this week, not an incredible comeback, but closer to where you need to be”; OR, if this week's performance really was a 'comeback', last weeks performance must have been the worst ever performance, in the history of all performances since the dawn of time. Kelly thought the only thing he was lacking was the vocal. Surely that's the key ingredient in a singing contest???? Oh I forgot, this is X Factor UK, the ability to sing in this singing contest, is an unnecessary distraction.
Frankie must have incredible neck muscles to be able to support all that hair

The Risk went out of their way to prove the whole, ‘the ability to sing in tune is an unnecessary distraction in this contest’ thing. Every time someone hit the correct note, the other three promptly pulled him away from it. Apparently, Ashley (which one’s he?) had glandular fever - that'll teach him to kiss so many girls in one evening (refer to their pre-performance VT for further explanation). That'll be why they sounded shite then...

I used to be Janet’s biggest supporter, but to be honest, I'm starting to get a bit bored with (to coin Louis’ phrase) the whole “Celtic Soul" thing. “Celtic Soul", if Janet’s singing is anything to go by, means, "making all songs sound exactly the same". In summary, she managed to make a rock song, sound nothing like a rock song and her arrangement included a Harp. It wasn't great, I feel no need to comment further…. That said, I will comment further. I feel fairly certain that Axel Rose would be turning in his grave, if he were dead, in fact, there’s a good chance that if he saw Janet’s performance, the horror will have killed him. Even Louis was forced, for what must be the first time in X Factor history, to criticise an Irish person. I found myself, for what must be the first time in X Factor history, forced to agree with Louis - ENOUGH WITH THE SLOW SONGS NOW JANET. I did not however, agree with his, “I'm glad you didn't over style her with the hair and things” comment. Erm, did he not see that mop of orange stuff on her head??? Side note: What was the nonsense with the Reporters this week? Where did they find time to harangue the contestants, in between all that phone hacking they're (allegedly) doing? I’m certain Janet’s parents breathed a huge sigh of relief when they heard the guy from the Daily Star(?) announce that his paper isn’t writing about her. I know I did.
Janet, not looking 'over styled'...

Misha B sang Purple Rain, without any of the rapping or grunting that she usually does. I was far from happy with the performance in that basis. She didn’t completely disappoint though as (a) she sang brilliantly and in tune. She obviously hasn't read the competition guidelines...(b) she had on a ridiculous outfit. Shouldn't we just end the madness now and give her the trophy? Louis, in an attempt to show that has been 'genning up' on black superstars, compared her to Eartha Kitt and Grace Jones. Deep, deep, deep, deep sigh. (He also threw in Tina Turner, but to be fair, she brought that on herself by wearing that outfit...) Tulisa made herself look snarky and childish by bringing up back stage stuff, instead of actually critiquing the performance. This is the X-factor Tulisa, not a school playground. Calculated ploy to make the public turn on the favourite, as she isn’t one of your acts anyone? Tulisa, Tulisa, Tulisa, have you learned nothing from Cole’s similar faux pas last year???? Such tactics will only serve to diminish your popularity young lady – and you were doing so well… Gazza, (we all love Gazza), gallantly declared: 'I don't care what goes on backstage. We shouldn't be getting involved in that. I'm looking for an artist, someone to sell albums, and there she is.' Did I mention that we all love Gazza?

Misha, bring back the rapping and grunting. Don't let X-Factor, 'sanitise' you
Got to dash, am off to pen my letter to the producers suggesting “Songs that actually play to the contestants’ strengths” week. I have high hopes for it’s inaugural appearance next week, but a note of caution, do not to hold your breath whilst waiting for it...

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