Young Apprentice - Just not the same without Mo's watch...

Harry, Lewis and Baby Darth Jim
This week, the candidates had to design a product for the parent and baby market and pitch it to a number of large retailers. It should have been a breeze, as they are (technically) all children themselves, naturally, it wasn’t. Mainly because the girls all behaved like the leads in the ‘Witches of Eastwick’ and the boys spent much of the episode demonstrating their inability to work as a team.

The candidates were then whisked away to a talk about babies, how heavy they are, what it’s like to look after them etc, all in lieu of development research. None of them seemed particularly comfortable around the baby, with Lewis the PM looking positively horrified. One of the girls proved just why it’s never advisable for teenagers to have babies with the comment “Would you have to change the nappy every time or could you leave it for a bit?” It didn’t bode well…
The boys elected Lewis to be Project Manager who told us he had, “every single ingredient to make this fantastic cocktail of success”. Except, as it turns out, any ideas that he had confidence in. The girls, went with Gbemi, mainly because in her words “ I’m quite out there, in your face, aggressive, intimidating and loud,
Lewis looking uncomfortable
but I believe that this is what helps me get what I want”. Basically, the girsl were terrified and felt they had no choice but to pick her.

The girls product, which they settled on quickly, was a sling that had built in support for the baby's head called the "Comfy Curve". A simple enough concept, which Gbemi, despite claiming to be a dab hand at pitching, was unfortunately unable to articulate in the later pitches. The boys spent a considerable amount of time bickering and bitching like, well, like girls, before deciding upon a bottle warmer in the shape of a Hippo. A much better product, in fact, than the girls'.

On to the marketing and design phases where one of the girls decided it would be a good idea to cast a black mother with a white blond child for their advert, deep sigh.... When chastised (in no uncertain terms) by Gbemi and her cronies, she moaned that as PM, Gbemi should instead, come up with suggestions to fix it. “What do you want me to do?", Gbemi quite reasonably retorted. "Change the colour of the baby? Give it a tan?”  It turned out that the advert was irrelevant, as Gbemi’s pitching managed to confuse retailers so much, (one being moved to ask what the product actually did), that no one really noticed the advert….

Gbemi centre, “What do you want me to do? Change the colour of the baby? Give it a tan?”
I began to suspect Lewis could see the writing on the wall when he announced: “I'm going to eat loads, so I don't have to eat at that cafe." (The first real evidence we've ever had that the cafe actually serves food by the way.) Lewis is possibly a bit sharper than I am giving him credit for as, despite, for the second week in a row, having: an inferior product; a bad ad campaign and; a disorganised team, the girls won. So as well as behaving like a bunch of witches, they also appear to have magical powers. Gbemi and the idiot who was in charge of the advertising campaign both, undeservedly, lived to fight another day. The boys, meanwhile were once again treated to a stint in the losers cafe.

I thought Gbemi ballsed her pitch up, until, that is, I heard the lad from Liverpool...Lewis, despite having his pitch WRITTEN DOWN, fluffed it up. Largely because it appears he can’t read. (Side note: So the last two weeks have shown that: the girls haven't mastered basic maths; and the boys can't read. A damning indictment of our Education system....) Despite completely destroying his teams chances of a sale in the first pitch, he then insisted on leading the next one and surprise, surprise, he fluffed that too. Gbemi showed a modicum of common sense by allowing Raki (?) to pitch to Mothercare – the largest retailer - a decision that would ultimately pay dividends for her.

So to the boardroom where the boys were taking no prisoners. Question: 'Was he a good PM?" Answer (without a moments hesitation): "No". Baby Darth Jim the annoying Irish one went so far as to comment, "It was a bit like having an enemy from the opposing team in your own team" They boys are all evil!

Somehow, Baby Darth Jim got away with it again, despite being desperately irritating throughout the task. (Do all Irish Apprentice candidates have 'the force'?) Lewis, miraculously, given the fact that he basically conceded that the failure of the task was his fault, survived. Instead Ben (Who? Who is Ben? Did they swap him for Mahamad the Don? I don't remember seeing him last week), was given the chop.
Ben who?
If I’m honest, I didn’t find this week anywhere near as interesting as last week, the absence of Mo’s watch and suit being keenly felt - in my mind anyway. I will however, continue to watch, if only to determine how powerful Baby Darth Jim’s ‘force’ is…

Childhood is Paradise

(Very) loosely translated as "It is happiness, it doesn't demand happiness. Childhood is paradise"


X Factor 2011 - Week 4, not so frightening then...

Tonight, as the narrator announced, was 'Fright Night' and the contestants certainly warmed to the theme, with their terrifying singing and hideous outfits. The scariest thing, however, was the absent Kelly Rowland being replaced by Alexandra Burke. Alexandra appeared to think that standing in for Kelly, meant: doing a terrible impersonation of her – (No Alex, Kelly has never used the phrase “keeping it real”); Repeating everything Tulisa said; being rude to poor, doddery old Louis and; calling everyone ‘babe’. I can’t believe I am about to say this, but I almost found myself longing for Cole…In other, more pressing news, Tulisa was wearing cats ears, presumably as a punishment for her bitchiness last week?

The show kicked off with The Risk, who spent the majority of their VT in tears because one of their members (who’s name I’d like to say I forgot, but I didn’t actually know in the first place…) left. I tried to feel sympathetic, I really did, but instead I found myself longing to send them for a week on a chain gang to toughen them up... Back to their ‘performance’, which at least showed they were taking the ‘Fright Night’ theme literally, by performing one of the scariest renditions Thriller I had ever heard. I'm fairly certain there wasn't a note sung in tune. At one stage, they sang, " You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination" I tried it, it didn't make them go away. It wasn’t a great start…

The lovely Johnny came next singing and by that I mean actually singing well, That Ole Devil Called Love. He was brilliant and his performance put him well on the way of achieving his aim of, getting Gary Barlow behind him (phnar, phnar). Gary, probably secretly believing this would be the only decent performance of the night showed Johnny his via a big hug. Tulisa indicated that she was happy that Johnny was finally singing a ‘ballat’. I didn’t have time to ponder on what ‘ballat’ was, as Sophie was up next.

Sophie sang Bang Bang, a song that is comprised (at least the way Sophie sung it) of one note. As usual I fell asleep for the majority of her performance, but what I remember of it was dull, dull dull. It seems I didn’t miss much, her performance was clearly so dreary that Louis was reduced to calling her a 'nice girl'. Alexandra decided that she would be "keeping it real" re her criticism and then went on to say there were 'slight' tuning problems. Erm, only slight????.

Next up was Marcus wearing enough ‘guy liner’ for the entire production team. Marcus, was great, that's right, I said great. Hang on X Factor contestants, good?? I was starting to become confused….

The marvellous Mischa arrived, somewhat confusingly dressed as a red, mono-browed Rhino. She sang Tainted Love, which admittedly has nothing to do with Halloween, but I was assuming by this point that the narrator (and The Risk) had made a mistake. This weeks theme was clearly sing songs that have  ‘Nothing to do with Fright Night, whilst wearing Halloween costumes." In the absence of Kelly, I have to say that she "put it down", unfortunately, so did Louis. Dermott voiced what we were all thinking by begging Louis never to impersonate Kelly again - It was freaky and not in a good way. Tulisa looked like she was sucking lemons throughout the whole thing and grudgingly attempted and apology/not apology. She ended up seeming more childish than last week. Louis, wisely, kept his mouth shut….

So quick recap: At this point, The Risk and Sophie, in true X Factor style were awful and no one was bothering to stick to the theme. However, Johnny, Marcus and Mischa were all good. My confusion was growing, but it short lived…Janet came as an extra from the Thriller video, but as The Risk had already butchered that song, she went for Every Breath You Take. Janet really terrified me with her off-key singing, so brownie points for embracing the theme. Louis found it haunting, which I couldn’t disagree with. Meanwhile, Gary pointed out that she sounds the same every week, not that I didn't agree with him, but it was ironic coming from the person mentoring Frankie Crappozza.

The amount of airtime X Factor is given to Crappoza’s pathetic attempts at carousing is appalling - anything to detract from the lack of talent I suppose. On the upside for Frankie, he didn’t need to dress up as he always looks very, very scary. "Tonight” he said, “it's me, a class song, a load of fit dancers and a bed. I'm just gonna go out there and 'ave it". Fortunately for Frankie, he was given a song that doesn't require any actual singing, thus Louis was able to say that, vocally, it was better than he expected. His choice of song was "Should I stay or should I go?" I assumed he didn’t want me to answer that question... Alex, critique was basically nonsense, but we had, by this point, established this as her modus operandi. Gary reassured me by saying “don't worry mate, she'll only be here for one week”. Wait, does that mean we have to put up with her on the results show? Bugger…

Kitty said during her VT "if I was a viewer at home, I'd wanna slap me", I began to worry that Kitty actually has supernatural powers or possibly has my living room bugged… That aside, I had high expectations of Kitty, who, it seemed to me, is perpetually ready for a Halloween/Fright night theme. I hate to say it, but Kitty was good. To be fair, the narrator did warn us at the top of the show that it was Fright Night, but all these competent performances were really scaring me....

The boring girl band have changed their name to Little Mix – not sure why, but hey ho… Tulisa, yet again reminded us how normal the girls are. I am beginning to suspect her motives, maybe she’s doing it because they're not normal? They certainly didn’t look normal, made up as marionettes and sitting on swing, it didn't bode well. The name change, however, appears to have worked miracles, Little Mix were much better than the crap Rhythmix. The judges gushed, Alex talked crap and then offered to do a duet with them. Dermot restrained a couple of the girls to stop them from running screaming in horror, at the the thought of it, from the room.

The final act up was Craig, who's VT proved that nearly everyone in Liverpool wears braces (odd..) Also, his supplier, aka the lady in the fish and chip shop, is annoyed with Gary Barlow for having cut of a massive income stream for her. “I can’t believe Gary Barlow’s got him (Craig) eating lettuce” she said bitterly. I’m sure I heard Craig say he wasn’t doing a ballad in his VT, but then he proceeded to sing yet another ballad from Adele’s back catalogue. Set Fire To The Rain, to be fair to Craig, is marginally more up-tempo than some of the others he’s done. On the downside, it was awful, basically, he should stick to slow ballads. The mystery of why he was wearing a donkey jacket for the performance was neither commented on, nor resolved. I think he may be preparing for his alternative career as a dustman once this is all over. As usual the judges all loved it & Louis positively shrieked, “This guy could sell albums”. He could only mean photo albums based on that performance..

Dermot cleared up the mystery of why Kelly was not around, at the end of the show, by announcing that Cher Lloyd will be appearing on the results show tomorrow. So Fright night is actually tomorrow then….


Romanzo Criminale - Must see TV

Not sure when the Killing 2 is supposed to start – we were promised it in ‘the Autumn’. It’s Autumn now, where is it? Anyway, in order to stave of my Killing ‘Cold Turky’, Sky Arts have kindly started screening the brilliant Romanzo Criminale. Set in Rome in the 70’s (though apparently it runs through to the early 90s), it’s based on La Banda della Magliana, who were a gang of what were essentially criminal street kids, who took over Rome, Mafia style. 

It is set against the backdrop of student demos and the Red Brigades who tried to destabilise Italy in the 70's/80's and is brutally honest about the country’s criminal past. The political and social tension at the time appears to have had the focus of the authorities, which would explain, in part, how they got away with it. It’s very violent, so not for the squeamish, but it's also incredibly well written, shot and acted. The main characters are very believable and given they are basically, violent thugs, actually quite likeable. It is also, at times, surprisingly funny and the attention to detail, including: the 70’s outfits; comedy moustaches; and cars is amazing. Its on Tuesdays at 9pm (Sky Arts) and the first 3 episodes have screened, but you can catch them on Sky Player/Anywhere. Yes, it's subtitled, but don't let that deter you, its definitely one to watch.


Young Apprentice candidates unveiled

Mohammed was a Don, he was robbed. Darth Jim wannabe, James should have gone. Mo, I'll miss that suit....

Young Apprentice - The Demise of Mo the Don

Mo the Don
First episode of the Young Apprentice tonight and I’m sad to say I’m hooked! 8 more weeks of 12 (sorry, now 11) odious little monsters bickering and making fools of themselves. At first, I struggled to work out whom I liked least. I quickly concluded that it was James, the Darth Jim wannabe Irish one. Then Mahamed, the Don appeared, like a ray of light in his one of a succession of what could only have been his older brothers suits. I wanted him to stay for a while, just so I could see what else he’d be wearing as the series progressed. I was to be cruelly disappointed.

Lord Allen kicked off the proceedings by announcing that he loves to encourage youngsters and that he was looking for “Entrepreneurial spirit” and a “spark of genius”. As the camera panned around the boardroom at the candidates, you knew he was going to be bitterly disappointed before the 8 weeks were out. To start with, most of them looked to be in their early 30’s, so not 'young' at all, apart from Mo the Don, who can’t be a day over 8 years old. Secondly, as the girls later proved, by having no command of basic maths (no, 3x4 is not 28…), there are no geniuses amongst them…

Once LudAllen had resolved the contentious issue of what to call the 2 boys named Harry, (I thought ‘Harry’ might do, but what do I know?), he announced the task. The candidates would have to make and sell ice cream based treats at a profit at a location of their chosing. To ‘make things simple’, teams would be girls vs. boys.

Every last one of them appeared to have attended the same school as Stuart Baggs, announcing on their VT’s how: charismatic; unashamedly mercenary; great leaders; super talented and other such tripe, that they were. Yet, when it came to displaying any of those characteristics, no one volunteered to lead and the girls couldn’t add up. (I repeat, 3 x 4 is NOT 28. What are they teaching them in schools these days??).

Performance of the task involved, as expected, both teams squabbling and messing up. The shows producers are obviously more resourceful that we give them credit for, as they managed to magic up a hot sunny day in England, conducive to the sale of ice-cream. The boys were marginally better, (strike that, they were just marginally less incompetent), than the girls. They should have won with their Pirate theme, (suggested without irony by Mo, who is a Somali….), some effort at costing and reasonable pricing. The girls, initially decided to go for a 'Treat and Trim' theme which frankly, sounded more like bikini wax, than ice cream to me and as Ludllen put it 'would be good if it were true'... They finally, however, settled on a 'highway robbery' theme, that included: charging 30p for a cone; asking between £3 and £4.28 for and ice cream; and foisting ice cream on children followed by demanding money with menaces from their unsuspecting parents. So despite making numerous mistakes and being generally shambolic, they won.
Mo & his suit, plus odious James (2nd from left)
We were eventually transported to the boardroom where LudAllen did not disappoint with such gems as: "..never mind Ben and Jerry's, it's more like bloody Tom and Jerry," and my personal favourite; "Even though this was a task about ice cream, you're going to find out that I'm no Mr Softy." The usual bickering ensued, punctuated by LudAllen’s demands to know “Ooo was responsible for the fayure of the task”. Frankly, I didn't care who was responsible, I just wanted the annoying Irish one to be fired. To cut along story short (but not quite as short as poor Mo, who looked like he could have done with a booster seat in the boardroom), Mo was fired.…..

It was at this point that I began to wonder what unfortunate incident in their lives made these kids like this? Why aren’t they out clubbing, or getting drunk, or just generally being annoying like normal teenagers (except Mo, who at 8 really should be in bed by 9pm at the latest)? Actually, to be fair, they seem to have the "generally being annoying" bit, in hand.  Are Social Services aware of this situation and what action are they planning to take??? Cut to Mo struggling, under the weight of his ENORMOUS watch, to clamber (up) into the back of the cab home. "It's gonna be Lord Sugar that regrets it" he said (a tad malevolently I thought…) Finally and perhaps, more worryingly for the future of the UK, LudAllen said this lot are the country's "young prospects". Really??? The country is doomed...Roll on next week!


X Factor 2011 - Week 3, other wise known as Rock "Weak"...

Thankfully, I missed week 2 and wasn't privy to the horror that was Frankie Crapozza's performance. (Though I will confess to watching Johnny doing Kylie, whilst dressed as a Geisha on You tube. Gary: "You look like something out of Aladdin". Johnny: "You can rub my lamp anytime". Classic!). Sadly, I didn't manage to miss him this week, or any of the others for that matter. It was Rock week and it was very, very, weak. In fact, by the end of it, I could quite happily have thrown rocks at every single one of them. The only exception to that being the lovely Johnny, who is my guilty pleasure, as well as Kelly's, even though Louis had him back in a Bacofoil suit again this week. (Still, it was a step up from the Geisha outfit...)

So I was watching X factor on + 1 and missed the beginning and as a result, was treated to Sammi, followed by RhythmX. Both were truly awful and I quickly concluded that this did not bode well for the remainder of the show. My initial thoughts were proven sound, things did not improve as the show progressed...Comment of the night, which came pretty early on for me, went to Gazza. Gazza to Sammi post her performance, “You know what Louis does - he takes bad acts and makes them even worse". That pretty much summed Sammi’s situation up in one concise sentence.

Thankfully, this years true winners of the X-Factor, old people rapping and singing 'Can I have, it?', to the tune of A Tribe Called Quest‘s ‘Can I kick it?' arrived on an advert for Clover butter. (See below, they put all this years acts to shame). The Yeo Valley Boy Band will have to settle for second place now – sorry boys.

Things did not improve with Sophie...... I think I fell asleep half way through her performance and woke up to see her hobbling across stage as though she was dying for a pee. (I suspect it was those shoes, or possibly the leather troons. Did the stylists have a job lot of leather garments that they had to get through this week? I don’t even want to begin to talk about Sammi’s dress, it appeared they dressed her in an amalgam of all of them….) On the upside, Sophie looked very pretty. On the downside, she sounded awful. On the back of Sophie’s performance I had a ground breaking idea for a ‘week’ on X factor (don’t worry, I have finally put the ‘Doris Day’ week idea to bed), how about “Songs that actually play to the contestants’ strengths” week? Just a thought….

Side note: Are Craig’s ears getting bigger every week? That’s all I could focus on during his performance - anything to distract me from that lopsided grimace he keeps doing. (Just thought, perhaps Craig suffers from some complaint that causes his face to go lopsided when he sings. If that's the case, then, Craig, please accept my profuse and heartfelt apologies. if it isn't the case, SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP IT). Also, why does everyone keep saying Craig is a great singer? He sound like a bleating goat to me. It could of course be that as a result of all the damage done by the ear bleedingly bad contestants over the years, I can no longer recognise good singing when I hear it. Does that mean Misha B is actually really bad? Your thoughts on this conundrum are welcome.

Please make Kitty stop
Kitty the Killer, like all the other contestants, got the theme wrong this week and came as a Dominatrix. She did, at least, attempt a rock song and got a few brownie points for that. The Brownie points were, alas, immediately deducted when her weird performance began.  Louis mentioned that she had plenty of ideas, ''sometimes they’re absolutely weird" he said, "others are a little bit scary". So basically none are good, not unlike her odd performances... The judges were clearly watching an alternate performance to the one I saw, as they all thought she was good. Gary thought Kitty was "the only contestant trying to say something with your music". If that something is "run for your lives", I am receiving it loud and clear... Louis also mentioned that she's on the phone to him 'day and night', making death threats? Perhaps that's why they're pretending she's good.  Apparently though, she’s an artist, (she must be because Tulisa said so), I wish she’d stick to painting and just stop singing then.

I decided at this point to rewind to the start. That decision turned out to be a bit of a mistake, as I was confronted by Marcus, looking incredibly camp and surrounded, once again, by half naked girls. Are none of the X factor producers in possession of gaydar? News flash for the Producers: the dancers you keep asking him to writhe around suggestively with, are not his type. THAT's why he always looks ever so slightly uncomfortable… Suffice to say, Rock ‘Weak’ did not play to the lovely Marcus’s strengths. I would worry about his chances of continuing in the contest, were it not for Frankie Crapozza’s dire performance…

Marcus, looking less than comfortable...
As I mentioned earlier, I missed last week, but I understand Frankie was in the bottom two. I thought that would mean he'd make a special effort tonight to save himself, but clearly, he decided against that. It seems he was busy living it up and chasing girls all week, with Gazza's full backing. (Why exactly were we shown that anyway? It certainly didn't endear him - or The Risk who were shown in a similar setting - to me). Gazza’s strategy of ‘letting Frankie go out and do his thing as he is, after all a youngster’ was a bit of a mistake. It resulted in Frankie giving a performance that can, at best, be described as worse than dreadful. He talk/shouted throughout the whole song and despite the fact that he didn’t actually sing, he still managed to be off key. (A talent in itself one could argue). On the upside, his asthma appears to have cleared up a bit. Louis constructive criticism post the performance was: "…you're over confident...I think you're better than you think you are." Is it just me or does that not make any sense at all???? Gary said that, whilst he had lied for Frankie last week, he wouldn't this week. He then either: blatantly lied again, with his comment that Frankie's performance “...was a comeback this week, not an incredible comeback, but closer to where you need to be”; OR, if this week's performance really was a 'comeback', last weeks performance must have been the worst ever performance, in the history of all performances since the dawn of time. Kelly thought the only thing he was lacking was the vocal. Surely that's the key ingredient in a singing contest???? Oh I forgot, this is X Factor UK, the ability to sing in this singing contest, is an unnecessary distraction.
Frankie must have incredible neck muscles to be able to support all that hair

The Risk went out of their way to prove the whole, ‘the ability to sing in tune is an unnecessary distraction in this contest’ thing. Every time someone hit the correct note, the other three promptly pulled him away from it. Apparently, Ashley (which one’s he?) had glandular fever - that'll teach him to kiss so many girls in one evening (refer to their pre-performance VT for further explanation). That'll be why they sounded shite then...

I used to be Janet’s biggest supporter, but to be honest, I'm starting to get a bit bored with (to coin Louis’ phrase) the whole “Celtic Soul" thing. “Celtic Soul", if Janet’s singing is anything to go by, means, "making all songs sound exactly the same". In summary, she managed to make a rock song, sound nothing like a rock song and her arrangement included a Harp. It wasn't great, I feel no need to comment further…. That said, I will comment further. I feel fairly certain that Axel Rose would be turning in his grave, if he were dead, in fact, there’s a good chance that if he saw Janet’s performance, the horror will have killed him. Even Louis was forced, for what must be the first time in X Factor history, to criticise an Irish person. I found myself, for what must be the first time in X Factor history, forced to agree with Louis - ENOUGH WITH THE SLOW SONGS NOW JANET. I did not however, agree with his, “I'm glad you didn't over style her with the hair and things” comment. Erm, did he not see that mop of orange stuff on her head??? Side note: What was the nonsense with the Reporters this week? Where did they find time to harangue the contestants, in between all that phone hacking they're (allegedly) doing? I’m certain Janet’s parents breathed a huge sigh of relief when they heard the guy from the Daily Star(?) announce that his paper isn’t writing about her. I know I did.
Janet, not looking 'over styled'...

Misha B sang Purple Rain, without any of the rapping or grunting that she usually does. I was far from happy with the performance in that basis. She didn’t completely disappoint though as (a) she sang brilliantly and in tune. She obviously hasn't read the competition guidelines...(b) she had on a ridiculous outfit. Shouldn't we just end the madness now and give her the trophy? Louis, in an attempt to show that has been 'genning up' on black superstars, compared her to Eartha Kitt and Grace Jones. Deep, deep, deep, deep sigh. (He also threw in Tina Turner, but to be fair, she brought that on herself by wearing that outfit...) Tulisa made herself look snarky and childish by bringing up back stage stuff, instead of actually critiquing the performance. This is the X-factor Tulisa, not a school playground. Calculated ploy to make the public turn on the favourite, as she isn’t one of your acts anyone? Tulisa, Tulisa, Tulisa, have you learned nothing from Cole’s similar faux pas last year???? Such tactics will only serve to diminish your popularity young lady – and you were doing so well… Gazza, (we all love Gazza), gallantly declared: 'I don't care what goes on backstage. We shouldn't be getting involved in that. I'm looking for an artist, someone to sell albums, and there she is.' Did I mention that we all love Gazza?

Misha, bring back the rapping and grunting. Don't let X-Factor, 'sanitise' you
Got to dash, am off to pen my letter to the producers suggesting “Songs that actually play to the contestants’ strengths” week. I have high hopes for it’s inaugural appearance next week, but a note of caution, do not to hold your breath whilst waiting for it...


Thoughts on X factor so far......

The Gorgeous Marcus, who sadly, moved like Jagger
(a) Why did they make the lovely Marcus sing the hideous "Moves like Jagger"? 

(b) why did Marcus feel the need to actually move a la Mr J? His dancing was worse than hideous. Did Gary make him do it?

(c) Why was he forced to pretend he found his female dancer sexy???? Poor thing looked completely out of his depth as one of the half naked female dancers writhed around him. Bloomin' good singer though. Perhaps next week he'll be allowed to choose something slightly less cheesy.....

Turban Sami
Transvestite Sam
(d) Why did Sammy come dressed as a transvestite? More importantly, we know she's not going to win (Micha B should, Janet D probably will), so why couldn't Goldie have stayed in the contest?  Goldie would have been much more fun. Sami is a bloomin' good singer too though. Perhaps next week, she'll be allowed to wear that awful turban she had on in boot camp. THAT was funny...

(e) Why was Johnny wrapped in Bacofoil? 

(f) Kitty? Why? Just Why? Louis said her performance was 'captivating'. He failed to mention that it was also hideously out of tune and that she looked criminally insane throughout. (This years Aiden the axe murderer possibly? Kitty the Killer?)

(g) Matt Cardle still appears to be a stranger to soap, water and all products created by Gillette. I found that I still wanted to 'run for my life' when he started singing. Can I have the Yeo Valley boyband now please? (More on them later...)

(h) Dependable old Louis clearly has no plans to disappoint us this year. He has already used the phrases: "Diva in the making" and "I believed every word". He has also started comparing the contestants to "random celebs he knows".  None of them current, which I guess is to be expected given he must be way past his three score and ten by now...Unfortunately for him, there are quite a few black celebs this year and he already used the Lenny Henry card on Piage/Piaje/Page last year. This year, he may be forced to resort to the only other black (and once famous),  person he knows, Paul Robeson. Louis also felt it necessary to point out to 2 Shoes that they 'could sing'. Naturally, they faced the axe tonight, people who can sing have no place in this show...Luckily for Micha, people were so distracted by the fact that she was dressed as a budget version of the Queen of Hearts (and possibly trying to read the newspaper she was dressed in),  they didn't notice that she actually has a great voice.

Apparently it was custom made...

(i) Not so for poor Amelia Lily. Not to be outdone by Dr Conrad, Amelia Lilly also decided to (allegedly...) murder Michael Jackson this week, via a hideous rendition of Billy Jean. Frankly, it seemed an odd thing for a 16 year old girl to be singing anyway. Sadly for her, it resulted in her early and (in my view) untimely demise. Kelly should be sent home, she chose the song. Poor Amelia Lilly was robbed.

(j) I realise that I'm not his target demographic, but am I the only one that doesn't get Frankie? Since the infamous 'buttock reveal' during the auditions, he's gone downhill fast for me. Can he actually sing? It sounded to me like he was talking, in a faux cockney accent, whilst in the midst of an asthma attack. Plus, he also looks as if he is being slowly suffocated by all of that hair.

Kitty - Why?
(k) The groups were all alright, the 'super group' (i.e. one quite good group and another mediocre hastily formed group, spliced together) being the best. The girls, seemed strangely pleased to be told that they were the best girl band ever on the X Factor. Have they never watched the show? That is so, NOT a compliment... Also, is it just me, or is one of them missing a chin?

(l) Why does Craig keep making that stupid "I'm struggling with a particularly difficult poo here" face when he sings?

(m) Why did Kelly keep calling the girls 'Mama' and insisting people were 'throwing it down'?  Am I alone in finding that desperately annoying? Also, why did she look like she wanted to rip Louis' heart out when he compared Micha to her? (After all, she's probably the only black female celeb, aside from Billy Holiday, the he knows. Largely because she was sitting next to him but...)

Micha to win
(n) In summary,  Micha (minus the dress made of newspaper and the Yorkshire pud on her head) to win. If not her, then The Risk (but only because the Yeo Valley boy band is officially out of the running). The stylist must be sacked immediately, the vast majority of the contestants looked MUCH worse post the makeovers. (Aren't these people supposed to be experts???) Finally, Kitty the Killer to go, as soon as possible.

Yeo Valley boy band now - Just because :-)