X Factor - Cheryl who?

Louis, Tulisa, Kelly, Dementor
So we have 3 new judges, Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa Contostavlos, joining reliable old Louis (why wasn’t he replaced?). So far, Tulisa, despite being a member of N-Dubz has talked a lot of sense. I’m young and current”, she said. As opposed to whom? Cheryl and Dani? Surely not...Kelly, as expected, was polite to everyone and inordinately excited by the sight of some boy’s bottom. (I guess young boys don’t have bottoms back where she comes from?) Louis, forget his judging style, let’s talk about his hair. On one of the VT’s it looked like he’d borrowed William Shatner’s toupee. Having reviewed the VT before airing, he clearly realised the error of his ways and appeared on the show au naturel (phew..). Gary, according to all the newspapers, is supposed to be this years Mr. Nasty i.e. the Simon replacement. He’s certainly not reticent when it comes to giving his opinion, but he’s no Simon. Simon was rude in a pantomime villain sort of way and some of his analogies were positively hilarious. “It was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.” “It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it.” Love it!!! Gary, on the other hard, is a bit like a Dementor, sucking the life out of the contestants and if we’re not careful, the show. We’ll see…

Looks like there may actually be some Talent this year, Janet Devlin a Northern Irish girl who did a jolly good rendition of Your Song and the boy who showed his bum were both very good. 

This years Katie Waisell, is Kitty Brucknell, who can actually sing, but if I never see her again, it will be too soon. This years Wagner will doubtless be Goldie Cheung an ‘interesting’ Chinese lady who tried to wrap her leg around Gary’s neck, prompting him to drone: “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a stranger’s leg around my neck. I loved it. But I can tell you now you’re wasting your time with Louis.” Ok, that was funny, but he’s going to have to work on his delivery…
Goldie Cheung
Another contestant of note was Ashford, who was on the Xtra Factor, not the main show he did a great audition. For those of you who didn’t see it, don't worry, there were many, many awful contestants too. Quality viewing basically!

Speaking of Xtra Factor, who on earth is the girl with the long face that’s co presenting with Ollie Murs? Also, surely having Ollie Murs presenting must be a bit off putting for the contestants? They must be looking at him and thinking, if that’s the shape of things to come, why bother? On a brighter note, aren’t you glad the gorgeous Dermot O’Leary didn’t get the gig on the US X Factor? (Sorry Dermie I know you wanted that job but…) Many weeks of perving over Dermott to look forward to - Life is good (contented sigh).


So to the critical question: Given the absence of Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Dani Minogue, will, (as the the tabloids keep insisting), the show crawl quietly into ratings wasteland and die a miserable death? My answer to that is: Cheryl who?