21/03/2011

The Only Way is #Essex - Did I say I was a convert?

Arg getting told off by Lyd, in one of the few scenes
where he wasn't eating...
Yes, well, its a woman' prerogative to change her mind.... TOWIE started again last night and proved that the Xmas special truly was a one off. I thought I'd been converted post the Xmas special, as it was actually quite funny. Last night was dull, dull, dull.


Focus of the episode was Arg and Lyd, who have been together 3 years and as Lyd informed Arg, on that basis, it was time they were moving in together. Lyd, is clearly not a woman to be reckoned with....That said, whilst Arg probably wouldn't have complained, as he does seem to like being bossed about by her, he was far too busy eating to do anything else. Arg is MASSIVE! We found out, during the 'Biggest Loser' style weigh in that he was subjected to by Monstrous Mark and Lyd, that he's ballooned to 18 stones since Xmas. So he's put on 4 stones in less than 3 months???? How is that physically possible?? Mark offered to train him and subject him to an eating prigramme. Apparently it's key as Monstrous Mark has 'loads a pool parties' planned for the summer and Arg getting in, in his current condition, would displace all of the water, bringing the party to a premature end. (No Monstrous Mark didn't say it quite like that, but that was the general drift...) That offer will doubtless result in numerous scenes of Arg being bullied and brow beaten by Monstrous Mark in future episodes. Can't wait...


Perhaps Arg ate Large Lauren? She was noticeable by her absence in the episode. Wishful thinking on my part, as Monstrous Mark split up with Sam (to the strain of the fab Adele's 'Someone Like You'), on the basis that he's getting on (he's 24....) and it's time to settle down. I assume on that basis, Large Lauren will be making a grand entrance (with her new nose) in the next episode....



Monstrous Mark, hatched an evil plan to get Arg & Lyd to move into the flat below him. So that "Marge" could spend more time together - Lydia was strangely skeptical about the plan. Lyd on the flat: 'I think we should keep looking around'. Arg : 'If you can find another place with a retractor fan like that...' huh??” In any event she capitulated and they're moving in, on the proviso that he learns to drive. He's apparently has 110 driving lessons and taken 10 theory tests, the chances of him fulfilling that promise look slim...


A couple of new characters were introduced: Joey Essex aka Mini Mark (yes, his name is actually Joey Essex), the baby promoter who indicated, in reference to Sam, that "I might try & put it on 'er". What a gent, bet she can't wait... Mini Mark's cousin Chloe, who is, apparently, a Playboy bunny. She looked more like a refugee from Madame Jo-Jo's crossed with the Bride of Wildenstein. Frightening...


Gorgeous Nanny Pat and Jess
So what else happened? Kirk was back and looking for a new car. Queue the appearance of  the worst car saleswoman in the world, who he tried to set his Dad up with. (Even though she professed to being a gold digger...not in so many words, but it was obvious. Well I thought so anyway...)  All the girls were orange - so no change there. Not to be left out, Chloe went for a spray tan at Amy's salon. One of her colour options was 'Oompa Loompa', inexplicably, she didn't go for that one. Never fear though, she was an awful burnt umber post her session, almost as good as Oompa Loompa. We learned that she had her 'boobs dun' in Belgium, where she was able to go as 'big as she wanted'. She opted for 'gynormous' and the looked suitably ridiculous on her frighteningly small frame...Amy had her's 'dun' in Buckhurst Hill, Jess (who inexplicably thinks she needs a boob job). "got an 'andful of them' and confirmed they felt completely natural. Chloe was clearly robbed... 

Monstrous Mark is still a massive c#ck. Literally as well as figuratively if Chloe is to be believed. On the strength of a passing acquaintance, he sent her a nude picture if himself (as you do..) and she was suitably impressed. The only thing she found odd about that (her words...) was the look on his face, it was 'a bit posey'. Huh? Essex for 'a bit pervy' possibly??? Surely that picture should now be in the hands of the Police? Perhaps unsolicited nude photos don't count as indecent exposure and/or sexual harassment in Essex...

Luckily neither of them had their breast done in Kent, as neither of them know where it is. Chloe: "Is Kent in South London?" Amy: "Who knows?" Nanny Pat, as usual, saved the day by being Nanny Pat. She wore a rather fetching flowered, swimming cap for a session at the swimming pool with Monstrous Mark. I'm sure sales will now rocket!


High point of whole thing though, was Mr Darcy, (Lydia's pet pig), peeing on floor of Sam's boutique at the grand opening. To demonstrate his horror at having his trotters painted with Pink nail varnish, by Lydia, possibly? (I hope the RSPCA are winging there way to Essex, to arrest her, as I type...) Personally, I think it was a silent protest at being surrounded by several people with combined IQ lower than his.... It was with horror that I learned this is going to be on twice a week. Thank God (post the finale of The Killing), for my box sets of the excellent Spiral and Breaking Bad.

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