X Factor the results - So, Cage against the machine for Xmas number 1 then?

The show opened with another hideous Group song (whose idea was the 'group song' thing anyway?). The remaining contestants and 'Take That' singing 'Never Forget'. (New album/tour soon to shamelessly plug anyone?) Robbie, appeared to be trying very hard not to lose it and seemed to have lost the ability to blink. Odd. The two of 'Take That', that aren't Gary, Robbie or Mark, have not aged well. This worries me slightly as I have just shelled out a not inconsiderable sum to see them next July, I hope there will still be 5 of them at that point.
Group Song with Take That

If I'm honest, I wasn't that stressed about who won, Daddy Snow was gone and as far as I am concerned all is now well with the world. That said, I expected One Direction to win, given that they had the teeny bopper vote and I wanted Becks to win because I actually think she's talented. Yup, Matt the Hat, despite his singing becoming progressively worse over the series (last three weeks being worse than dire), still won. Konnie read out the results of the votes over the live shows on Xtra Factor and Matt the Hat walked it, with Becks and Mary a close second. Not sure what that says about the British public (it says I should probably have put my money where my mouth is and voted, but to be honest I wasn't THAT bothered). Simon was as flummoxed as I was, he looked genuinely surprised. Bet the producers lose their jobs now, I'm sure that wasn't the plan...

One Direction were on a hiding to nothing as soon as they came out dressed like extra's from Oliver Twist. I expected them to launch into a rousing chorus of "consider yourself at 'ome" so it was a pleasant surprise to hear 'Torn'. At least it would have been, had they sang it as well as they did in Judge's houses. I think the reason for their demise was twofold:

(1) They gave Zain (the one who wouldn't dance at boot camp) a full blown sentence to sing, rather than his customary echo. Never meddle with a winning formula people.
(2) The juxtaposition of the Oliver Twist outfits and a modern day song was too much for their demographic (4 - 16 year olds and a frighteningly large number of 30- 40 year old women, old enough to be their mothers, who should know better...) to cope with.

Louis, in overdrive again tonight and sporting a Berlusconi'esq' head of almost jet black hair, compared them to: the new "Beatles" and the new "Westlife" - I mustn't quibble at least they're not black people....

Crime against all that is good
Next up was Matt the Hat who Dani reckoned had been 'plugging away for 17 years". 17 years? Exactly how old is Matt the Hat? Frankly if he HAS been plugging away for 17 years he should be a LOT better than tonight's performances indicated. He screeched his way through Katy Perry's "Firework", a song that even she managed to destroy on X Factor a few weeks ago. So another girls song, at least its solved the "17 years" mystery. Matt the Hat is actually a 51 year old woman cleverly disguised as a painter and decorator (as per Justin Bieber, except not as icky). Why can't he sing a man's song??? Not content with the assault on our eardrums, he also wore the worst pair of, bright yellow, troons I have ever seen in my life. These, trousers were a crime against humanity - if I hadn't just seen him on Xtra Factor live, I would be convinced he had been arrested by Interpol who should have been waiting in the wings post the show...

Next up was Becks, "a girl we've all taken to our heart" said Cole, (except her obviously as she was busy pampering Daddy Snow) on a podium singing 'Sweet Dreams'. Sigh, she did the podium thing yesterday, I know I said never change a winning formula but.... She was good and she actually moved. Seriously, she did a little hip bump - barely visible to the naked eye, but I saw it. Louis revved up a notch in his summing up, "The people of Liverpool you've got the best role model you're ever going to have" he said. So, a 24 yr old single mother of two is the best role model they are ever going to have. No offence Becks, but if that's the case, Liverpool are doomed...

Cut to the montage, that was to be repeated several times throughout the show, without any advance warning, where we saw the rehearsals for the soft porn flick staring Matt the Hat and Rhianna (or as the show called it, yesterday's duet). Yuk, Yuk, Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. Luckily for Matt the Hat he did win, as he can no longer live at home. I bet he was hoping no one noticed the post Rhianna stiffie but it seems his Mum did, per the VT where she said she's "been watching him grow every week".

Simon's face says it all
So end of round 1 and One Direction went. They looked like they were going to burst into tears, poor little loves - I hope Harry isn't so traumatised that he cuts off his interesting hair. To make matters worse 'Take That' turned up, again...Cut to Robbie who appeared to be channeling Aiden, he looked positively demonic at points during the song. On the upside, at least he sang it, he looked like he couldn't be ars@d on Strictly.
Round 2 was Matt the Hat and Becks singing their winner's songs. It could have been the same song, I couldn't really tell as they were both staggeringly boring and I wasn't really listening. Becks sounded better, as usual, Matt he Hat's rendition was so bad, even he howled in pain at the end of it. Dani, in one of the VT's said that she "just can't believe the notes Matt hits every time he sings" Neither could I to be honest. I'm certain he invented a whole concerto full of new ones on Saturday night. Side note: In case, like me, you'd find the sound of silence preferable to the dreary winners song, follow the link Cage against the machine.

Tonight's show was approximately 10 minutes of results and 1 hour 50 minutes of stuff that wasn't results. (OK, I'm exaggerating, only 5 minutes of results). As a result there were, what seemed to be: endless hours people screaming in Essex, Liverpool and wherever One Direction come from; endless ads featuring Cheryl and Dani (that can't be legal) and everyone else who has recently appeared on the show. Points to note:
I learned during the ad for Christina Aguillara's new film 'Burlesque' that:
(1) Christina went on her pie eating frenzy, post filming
(2) I have to suffer through it as it Dr McSteamy (Grey's Anatomy) appears to be in it. Phwoar

I can't understand regional accents. I was worried I was going to sound bigoted because whenever Stacy came on, I didn't understand a word she was saying (except for 'University of Essex' which I am sure I misheard...) Fortunately Becks' friends came on and I had no clue what they said either.

If, as Simon indicated at the start of the show, we (the public) were the boss tonight, I wanted the Yeo Valley Rappers to win. I feel cheated now.

Someone has made Matt the Hat's face out of a Pizza and Stacey couldn't wait to have a slice...The quote of the evening came from Dermie who indicated that Matt the Hat had been "immortalised in Mozzarella." Someone in the town One Direction come from made cakes and buns, but they missed a trick and didn't make any faces out of them.
I am deliberately ignoring the 'misfits' performance. It wasn't funny (apart from the transvestite, he was funny), it was embarrassing...
Downside for Matt the Hat is that winners of this show, haven't really had their lives changed significantly by the 'life changing' million pound (or however much it is) record contract. Notable exceptions being Leona and Alexandra of course, but, Shane Ward anyone? Whilst those who haven't won, seem to have done OK for themselves. Andy Abraham (runner up to Shane Ward), is apparently doing well in musicals; JLS; Rhydian; that group that didn't win the Popstars thing and went on for years after the group that did win, broke up. I could go on, but I won't as I can't remember any of their names. So Matt the Hat, subject to "Birds the Word" and "Cage against the Machine" may get Xmas number 1, then if history repeats itself, will fade into obscurity. (Hopefully after they do something about his neck....)

Upside's for us are numerous actually:
(a) Simon didn't win
(b) More importantly, Cole didn't win - I could not have coped with her winning for a third year in a row
(c) Simon was p@'d off
(d) Cole was definitely p@d off (I will be scouring the net for a still of her face when the winner was announced - priceless)
(e) (a) through (d) on a loop
(f) Simon and Nicole Sherzinger (whatever, you spell it) predicted Gamu to win. Searching for that still of Cole's face too!!
(g) Matt the Hat, punched Dani in the face at the end- bit ungrateful considering she'd helped him win, but hilarious!
(h) Harry (of the interesting hair) whispered something rude enough to make Matt the Hat blush, into his ear. Detention and 200 lines for master Harry, let's not take the phrase "Dirty Harry" quite so literally young man..
(i) Becks, who thoroughly deserves to do well, will get picked up by a label that will nurture her and she will be free to blossom, unencumbered by the Syco machine.
(j) I had forgotten, just how marvellous Billie Holiday is (on a Perfume advert during the break), see for yourself below
Huge dilemma, what am I going to do of a Saturday night until next season? Get a life maybe? Nah, I'm sure American Idol must be starting soon....

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