X Factor the Final - Those "Creationists" might actually have something...

So to the finals, Becks, Matt the Hat, One Direction and Mary... Sorry, Daddy Snow.

Is Rhianna really tall or is Matt a lot shorter than we thought?
Missed the  beginning of the show (and thankfully, Matt the Hat's first performance) so wasn't aware that the first set of songs were intended to be "songs that you can win with". Imagine my surprise when I realised it was a Dido song???? Sung really badly. Is he still ill? His second performance was with Rhianna, where he vied with her to produce the worst vocals in X Factor history (Wagner get's an exemption as we "Lorb" him). They sang her hit "Unfaithful' which included the line: "I don't want to do this anymore". Which was uncanny as I didn't want them to either.  For a fleeting moment I thought it was going to get interesting, with the two of them barely stopping short of a soft porn 'moment'. So bad in fact that Dermie felt it necessary to inquire as to whether we were "disturbing something?" Matt the Hat could only dream..

So first performance for me was the gorgeous Becks, wearing a peach dress (yes, I did actually say Peach and no one was getting married...) and Cheryl's hair extensions (cut to relatively bald Cheryl). A deathly dull Corrine Bailey Rae song which she sang very well, whilst standing completely still. No surprise there I hear you cry. Not so fast people, there was a twist, 4 hunky blokes spun the podium she was standing on, to give the illusion of movement..... Her second song was with Christina Aguilera. Christina sang her and all of the other contestants off of the stage, but ruined it, but forgetting her trousers. (Probably because she couldn't fit into them anymore - she definitely looked like she'd been hitting the pies, hard...)

Next up were One Direction who sang...something. Doesn't really matter what it was, they have the teeny bopper vote and will probably win.  Their second song was with Rent-a-celeb Robbie Williams (Is he NEVER busy?). Absolutely everybody sung out of tune, but its doesn't matter and etc... One Direction were positively orgasmic post the duet (unfortunate turn of phrase given they are actually children), prompting Dermot to ask, "Who's the Robbie of the band?" They were all wise enough not to admit to being alcoholic druggies, BEFORE signing the recording contract.  (Side note: Am putting my hands up, I actually like Robbie, not enough to buy one of his records mind but...)

Daddy Snow was up next. Her VT had her returning to primary school on her trip back home, raising the inevitable question as to whether she had actually completed her secondary education...She channeled Missy Elliot for her first performance, very, very badly though. The three things I remember about the performance are that: (a) it was bad; (b) I desperately needed those trousers to go away; (c) I wanted it to stop. Louis to Cher: "you're in the finals. Who'd have thought it?" The producers and Simon when they were fixing the results perhaps? 

Cheryl introduced her second song, the duet, by saying that it was an easy pick when she had to decide who Daddy Snow would duet with. So, who would you guest star Daddy Snow with Chazza? A Bloke who will do anything to shag you, obviously...Will-I-Am, who managed to sound as bad as Daddy Snow. (I hope his pension plan is up to date, his pop career has to be over soon?) Side note: It was thoughtful of X Factor to supply her with the waitress' outfit she wore during the duet. It will come in handy now she's been booted off of the show...In the Xtra Factor, Cheryl indicated that she thought Cher had "showed the public what sort of artist she'll be." Indeed, a really rubbish one. My daughter's summing up was: 
"Simon's so clever, Robbie is so sh@t, it made One Direction look great"
"Cher make's me cringe when she 'raps' and why was she grabbing her crotch?".
That expensive private education just paid for itself...

Suitable pre watershed viewing?
Rhianna and Christina guest "starred", semi naked...I thought the watershed was 9pm. On tonight's programme, by 8.36pm, Rhianna was in her keks and Christina had her, (not inconsiderable), baps out. Is that what small children are watching these days??? I digress...I did wonder why Rhianna was on again, given that she's proven on numerous X Factor shows that she can't sing - We really don't need additional evidence. Turns out that she was the after dinner 'entertainment', stripping to her undies to the delight of Simon. Is it just me, or do you think Rhianna could crush a grown man's skull with those thighs? (Not suggesting that's a bad thing btw.)

Seriously, I really recommend my daughters secondary school:
Rhianna in her keks...

Me: Why is Rhianna stripping??
Her: Because she looks amazing so it detracts from the voice.

I don't think I could be more proud if she won the Nobel peace prize.

The judges were asked to "sell" their acts before the close of the main show. Dermot: So Cheryl, sell your acts to us. Cheryl: OK that's 15 minutes begging for Cher and 2 secs for the other one (I am paraphrasing of course...)

So to the results, which finally resulted in the demise of Snow (hurrah!). Though she threatened us with the possibility that now she'd had "a taste" she would  keep doing it. "When you've got a dream" she said, "you don't climb the ladder half-way, you climb to the top." (Such wisdom in one so young....) Apologies to all the believers out there, but I have been a committed atheist for some time. The demise of Cher makes me believe there may be a God. Now, if we could just get rid of Cole....

1 comment:

  1. Thank god she has finally gone! Matt was absolutely dreadful! How can he be favourite to win? Rebecca should win on voice, but One Direction will probably win due to the Robbie factor!