The Only Way is Essex Christmas Special - Loved it, loved it, loved it!!

The Episode opened with Lyd and Lucy having a natter and Lyd indicating that she’s not happy because Mark and Arg are spending too much time together. She vowed to break up Mark and Arg, or “MARGE“ as she called them!

Cut to MARGE buying a Christmas tree and the first of a series of Arg’s truly awful Christmas jumpers that we were to be subjected to during the hour. Where on earth did he buy them?? (Side note: How did Arg manage to put on so much weight in such a short period of time???? Lyd is not a good influence…) Arg told Mark he had to see less of him to keep Lyd happy, Mark was horrified (quite rightly I thought…) “ First time I’ve ever been dumped," he said “and it’s by a bloke...More importantly, lets get you 'ome and get that jumper off ‘cause its ‘orrific.”

Large Lauren decided not to go to Dubai (despite all of her protestations in various magazine interviews she’s given recently), I wonder why…One of the "two twins" indicated that he had spotted a bit of ‘reluctancy’ when he made her the offer. (Is he related to Melissa from the Apprentice? 'Reluctancy'!!!) As she had decided to stay, Large Lauren agreed to organise a fancy dress Christmas party for him, that had a Disney theme…How does he come up with these ideas??

Cut to Lucy and Mark having a bit of row about: her wanting to be his girlfriend and; his not wanting a girlfriend and; then actually, her not wanting a boyfriend (all very confusing). Large Lauren arrived and an argument with Lucy ensued. Mark, clearly loving all the attention, sat around grinning like a Cheshire cat, whilst the girls basically made fools of themselves. We learned that Mark is also sleeping with Sam, who knows that he is sleeping with Lucy and Large Lauren. So in summary, it would appear that either: Mark is a very talented hypnotist and he is practising on every woman he knows, or; all the women in Essex are stupid. Side note: how on earth is Mark finding time for his 'bromance' with Arg whilst juggling three demanding women??? As much as I hate to do it, I have to grudgingly, give him some credit for that. I'd like to think he'll get his comeuppance once the girls see the show and realise just what a massive t@t Mark is, but I'm not hopeful to be honest. The more likely outcome is that the girls continue to argue amongst and upset themselves, whilst Mark continues his Cheshire Cat impersonation. Grrrrr...

Another truly awful Xmas jumper

Arg, home alone, in another crap Christmas jumper, got a visit from Lyd, who indicated that she 'feels like he’s two timing' her, with Mark. “You can’t have a girlfriend and spend that much time with your friend” she said. “Course you can,” said Arg “Look at Ant and Dec”!!! Lyd remained unmoved.

We also learned that ‘Lola’, Mark’s sister’s band, was having creative issues and one member had left. They held auditions to try and replace her and wanted Mark to help. Mark was given the strict instruction: ‘No eyeing them up Mark, it’s not all about what they look like.’ which, of course, he ignored. None of them could sing, but they all looked good in short skirts. So basically, they picked a girl in a short skirt, who can't sing. I predict that band will go places...

To be fair, Mark was a little preoccupied - good friend that he is, Mark called Arg to come along, but Arg ignored his calls. It looked like Lyd’s evil plan to split up ‘MARGE’ was clearly working...Side note: Lyd looked very orange for a great deal of the hour, as she has done for the entire series to be fair. I didn’t realise they did the fake tan thing in winter too?? Or does Lyd have some sort of hideous skin complaint? I digress...

Arg, on a mission to make Lyd happy decided to get her a Pig for Christmas, because 'Posh Spice has one' (really??). Turns out Posh Spice has a micro pig (am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of a micro pig???) but Arg bought Lyd a full sized farm Pig! Much hilarity ensued – on Lyd’s part - whilst a devastated Arg lamented about his having ruined Christmas. Ahhh, how much do we love Arg?? (Btw, did anybody else think Sam, Lucy and Large Lauren would all be far better off with the Pig rather than Mark? Grrrr)

The final scene was at the big Christmas bash where the marvellous Nanny Pat came as a Christmas Tree (still think Nanny Pat is the best thing about this show!!) Large Lauren and Lucy wasted more valuable time arguing about the situation with Mark, meanwhile he was outside with Sam.…Mark, dressed as Prince Charming, asked Sam if she thought the outfit suited him. Personally, I think a Rat suit would be more apt. Long story short, the episode ended with Large Lauren in tears, still hanging on Mark’s every word, unaware of the Sam situation. (Presumably, she'll have watched tonight's show and will be busy dumping him for Christmas. She did say she hadn't got him a present yet. I can't think of anything he deserves more....) Lucy finally dumped Mark (thank God), I really hope she meant it…Evil Mark disappeared off to Faces, with the equally evil Sam (she's supposed to be Lucy's friend for God's sake...)

As it’s Christmas, I won’t end on a sour note. Some good did come out of the episode: (1) I have officially converted, I am now a TOWIE fan. Evil Mark's antics aside, the Christmas special was hilarious! (2) Arg, in an attempt to rectify the farm Pig faux pas, laid on a surprise for Lyd. “What have you got me this time Arg? You haven’t got me a goat or anything have you?” she laughed. What he had done was organise fireworks for her that spelled out ‘I Love you’. We DEFINITELY love Arg!!! It looks like Lydia loves him now too.

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