Club classics night on X Factor? Do they play "Amazing Grace' in clubs these days?

The best thing about tonight’s show was the Yeo Valley rappers in the commercial break (see below). The Owl looked a bit like Daddy Snow (except much cuter) which had me confused for a while, as the rapping was good. I am organising a master class for her with them as we speak. Common sense tells me I shouldn’t humour her, but based on her 'I'm a hip hop artist' comment (made without irony) in the Xtra Factor, I suspect she’s plans to keep torturing us. Oh and Becks was good too, but more of that later.

Side note: Grandmaster Flash and the Furious 5 are turning in their graves on the back of Snow’s comment. She really does believe her own hype. “Arrogant gel” (said in the style of Lady Catherine de Bourgh in ‘Pride and Prejudice’)

In case it wasn’t obvious (it wasn’t to me) tonight was apparently “club classics” night. Does anyone have an official definition for the term 'Club Classics'? I’m not convinced I heard any tonight. They Way we were? ??? I don't think so.... None of that mattered to Louis, he was positively brimming with love tonight, everyone was fabulous and they all deserve to be in the final…On an even more positive note, Louis, in a desperate attempt to prove he's not senile, recited the names of everyone in One Direction. (Well done Louis!) I’ll confess to being more than a little relieved at that point, he’d been repeating the same 5 sentences in his summing up for most of the evening. I was worried for him…

We kicked off with Becks, who indicated in her VT that she was ‘astonished when her name got called’ last week. Not as astonished as Cole was though – did anyone see her face? She decided to go with an up tempo number as her opener. As always, she sang it very well, whilst wearing a cut down version of Nicole Shersinger’s (still can’t spell it) outfit from last week – bizarre. Apparently, she actually moved, but I blinked so I missed it. She sang her second song brilliantly (if a bit clichéd – cue the ghostly gospel choir), but ‘Amazing Grace’ cannot under any circumstances be considered a club classic…. My daughter walked into the room as Becks was singing it. Her comment was, "What's Cheryl doing? Her voice sounds good though". I think that sums the performance up succinctly...

Mary was up next, dressed, inexplicably, as an aging transvestite (I guess it worked for Katie for many weeks…) Like many of the other contestants (and Simon, but he didn’t like to mention it) she had been severely ill (for that read she had the sniffles) all week. On that basis, we were told it it would be a minor miracle if she was on form (and would, obviously, be expected to factor that in when voting).  In fact, things were so bad she had to be helped out of her chair by the dancers. It transpired that she needed all her residual energy to scream out "I never can say goodbye”. It was terrible, truly terrible. I didn’t think her second song could be worse, but as usual, I was very wrong. Not a single note of 'The Way We Were' (another well known 'club classic') was in tune. Mary cried at the end of her second song (it reminded her of her Mum apparently) and Simon's response was, "This is not a time for tears Mary".  I disagreed and was weeping profusely post her horrific performances...Louis obviously realised how bad the whole thing was and begged the public to vote, as he doesn't want her to go back to Tesco. I and millions of other shoppers do, what with the Xmas rush and everything….

Much was made of how ill Matt the Hat was this week too. Cut to a VT of him tucked up in bed, not looking that ill if truth be told, with Mum hovering about in the background. Thankfully, Dani realised he needed to stay warm and didn’t subject us to a shirtless Matt the Hat this week. (As an aside, hopefully this will teach him to leave his hat on in future. He'd never have gotten ill had he been wearing it...) He looked and sounded ill throughout both of his songs.  Dani mentioned on the Xtra Factor that she "can't believe the notes he did in the song" neither could I to be honest and none of them good.... Despite all that, he’ll go through.

The pace of the campaign to make Daddy Snow appear likeable stepped up a notch tonight. Kicking off, as it did, with her impassioned plea to the "whole nation" to let her make it. I would like to add to the debate by crying out to the whole nation:  "Please don't subject us to Snow for another week". Cole in the VT said, "I think there's a lot of confusion out there about Cher". Yeah, we're confused as to what she's doing in a talent contest...Unfortunately for Daddy Snow, her first performance was after the nation had a chance to see rapping as it should be done during the Yeo Valley ad. To be honest, I didn’t expect her to be anything less than terrible, but the comparison only served to further highlight her glaring inadequacies re that genre. That said, the ‘rapping’ was a welcome respite from the truly awful singing. Predictably, everyone – except Dani who has been the sole voice of reason on the panel this season – thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. She must have loved the way Simon lies.  In case it wasn’t obvious that was intended to be a clever play on ‘Love the way you lie” one of her songs. No? Oh well, I tried. In any event, his summing up was utter balderdash.

So to One Direction, where we were confronted by more illness’ and dying relatives, in an undisguised attempt to excuse their performances. (Yes, yes, I am an evil cow…) Can’t really remember what they sang, but I do remember wondering if Harry is allowed to go to school with his hair like that. Also, why 'the one that wouldn’t dance in boot camp' kept grabbing his unmentionables. Side note: Caller on the Xtra Factor told Simon she thought they should dance a bit more (she clearly didn’t see the ‘dancing’ during boot camp). Simon said that One Direction are not very good dancers and they 'shouldn't do something that they're not very good at'.  Hang on why not? There not great at singing, Daddy Snow is extremely bad at ‘rapping’ and yet they continue... Whatever, teenybopper vote, they’ll be back.

In other news, Konnie, who every week makes me long for the return of Holly, got her bangers AND her pins out on Xtra Factor? With the children on stage and everything, most inappropriate. Also, I have it on good authority (some equally poorly researched web site!) that Katie Waissel’s grandmother – who was revealed as a prostitute – has said: she’d be delighted to have Wagner as a customer; and “My favourite singer is Rebecca, but I love Wagner for all-round entertainment”. Even her Nan wasn’t voting on her! Side note: The woman (Nan, not Katie) is 81 and still ‘working’. Is it wrong to feel a sneaking sense of admiration for her?

Finally, Daddy Snow really was at her most arrogant, snarling, best tonight, indicating that she was bringing a 'new twist to English music'. Seriously???? So what have Chipmunk, Tinie Tempah and the posse been doing all this time. I'm old, I don't know the lingo, I just know Snow is wrong on many, many levels.

Who will go? It should be Snow on principle, but it’ll probably be Mary. Roll on tomorrow and the cast of Glee :-)

1 comment:

  1. Yeh, I actually LOVE that advert! They should get those guys on the X-Factor. I'm thinking they might actually teach the resident 'rapper' a thing or two...