The X Factor definitely didn't Rock my world tonight

It was Rock Week tonight. Well technically it was, but some of the song choices left me questioning that. On the Xtra Factor, Dermot said that he thinks the “definition of Rock is technically quite loose”, never a truer word spoken in jest…The remaining contestants also “sang” and I use the term loosely re most of them, two songs each. At risk of giving away the ending too early, none of them have a promising career in that genre of music. On the upside, I am now planning to launch into a prolonged bout of drink and debauchery as tonight, I felt like I was in hell. The real Hell couldn’t possibly be worse than Rock week.

Up first, in the graveyard slot, was the Wagster. (Side note: Wags was given the graveyard slot both times, despite the line up having been “mixed up”. Co-incidence? Methinks not…) His first song was “Creep”. Louis may well be an evil genius as the lyrics included the lines: “I am a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here…I don’t belong here”, delicious irony? Or perhaps Louis just wasn’t aware of the lyrical content. A savvy, insightful music mogul like Louis unaware? Surely not… At one point during ‘Creep” Wagner sung the line “I wish I was special" you are Wags, you are. His second song was ‘Addicted to Love’, which Wagner made his own by changing the lyrics to “Addicted to Lorb” (love it). Wagner in a suit, Dad dancing, with a couple of weirdos in the background was, as far as I am concerned, genius! So there were no dancers, no mash up and the singing was actually OK(ish). Worse still, Dani liked him - I fear Wags is for the chop this week...

On to Mary - Simon thought her first performance was “much better than [the usual] Shirley Bassey” which confused me as I thought she was doing both songs in the style of Shirley Bassey…It wasn’t the last time I was to be confused this evening… Cheryl surprised me by not calling her an old bag during the first song, but was back on form during her judging of the second song, where Mary much to my horror, “danced”. Cheryl thought it was amazing to see her “moving”, given she's so old clearly...Personally, I never want to see Mary "Get down with her bad self" (as Cole put it) again.

I had heard in advance that Daddy Snow was going to sing Aerosmith’s “Walk this Way” and worried, justifiably as it turned, she would go with the Aerosmith/Run DMC version. I wanted it over and done with, but the producers decided to prolong my agony by having her destroy Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend’ first. As expected, it was a blood bath, courtesy of the rap she plagiarised from God knows whom and flung in the middle of the song. Deep sigh… She was given prime slot for her last song (I wonder who they want to win…) and was last up with “Walk this Way”. It was actually, much worse than I expected, not helped by the fact that in Page’s absence, she was wearing the 80’s. (I say that, but I was there – in the 80’s – and no one would have worn that even then). Unless I am much mistaken, I think Cher just used the "N" word before the watershed. That will guarantee her the BNP vote, which she'll need it as black people (and anyone who loves rap) up and down the country, will hate her for the murder of that song.

Up next was Becks. (Side note: How is it that no matter what the theme is, Becks and Mary manage to sing the same bloomin’ song???) Moving on, she sang U2’s “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for’, in the style of ‘The Chimes’ whilst dressed as a barmaid (very unflattering leopard print dress). Chezza obviously had a hand in the styling again this week…(Link to The Chime’s version of the song below – much better than U2’s version, even Bono said so when it came out). As expected she sang it well, but as per my comment last week, she has sung the same song for the last X weeks, blah, blah…Simon thought it was brilliant, particularly the arrangement that he’d never heard before. But then why would a savvy, insightful music mogul like Simon have heard that arrangement before… As we all feared, now Page has gone, Louis has started comparing Becks to "black people he knows". Aretha Franklyn this week, but it’s a matter of time before we hear: “Becks you remind me of a young Blossom from East Enders.” Danny Dyer on Xtra Factor said he thought Becks is a “proper sort”. I agree, she’s beautiful, but do people still talk like that or had he has officially become a caricature of himself?

Matt the Hat tried to do sexy again – he clearly learned nothing from last week – during his rendition of another girl’s song, Joan Jett’s “I love Rock and Roll”. Not great, but on the upside he had his shirt on. His second song was in his words “A very forgotten song”. I was intrigued, and then he started to sing “Night's in White Satin”. A very forgotten song? What is was he on about?? Very forgotten only when you sing it Matt – I wiped his version from my memory banks immediately.

Then the moment we definitely were not all waiting for arrived, Katie the post ops Transsexual singing “Sex is On Fire’. (Seriously, you couldn’t make this sh@t up). If anyone has ever seen a less sexually charged performance I’ll eat my hat. Awful doesn’t even begin to describe a Kings of Leon classic sung in the style of a really crap Disney song. Her second song ‘Everybody Hurts’ was the penultimate performance – the Producers saved Daddy Snow until last - ensuring people would have to sit through Katie the post op Transsexual and her bum first note (and second and third and fourth etc note). Cut to Louis, as she was singing it, who looked like he was hurting - I know I was…Katie indicated that this was ‘the real me’. The real her is clearly a very confused young lady as she seems different every week… Simon thought the performance was genius – in an undisguised attempt to get people to vote for her and ensure the ratings for next weeks show. To be fair, Wagbo’s (real genius) second performance hadn’t happened at that point so he had no real point of reference.

Finally, One Direction - not a great deal to say about them. Their first song was ‘Summer of 69’ and the one who wouldn’t dance in boot camp almost sang his one line in tune. Harry, the one with curly hair that the girls like, didn’t. Their second song was Joe Cocker’s “You are so beautiful” which prompted the first outing of Louis rulebook on the grounds that it wasn’t a rock song. I completely agreed, but Simon, a savvy, insightful music mogul said it was allowed as Joe Cocker is a Rock Singer. So, not ‘Rock Week” after all, but, “songs sung by an old bloke who could potentially qualify as a Rock singer” week. They were OK, but at the risk of sounding repetitive, it’s irrelevant what they sing as teenage girls will vote for them anyway.

So who will be in the bottom two? If I can’t have “all of them and bring in 5 new acts that can sing/have talent”, then I would pick Daddy Snow and Katie the Post op Transsexual. However, as I have come to realise there is no justice in the world, I can’t actually call it.

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