17/11/2010

Possibly the most boring episode of The Apprentice, EVER?

I struggled not to fall asleep during tonight's episode. The candidate's had to create an interactive movie that people could star in and then buy a DVD recording of their experience. It SHOULD have been interesting, or as a minimum funny. Sadly, it was neither of those :-(

There were no Ludallenisms, none, zero, nada :-( Stuart the Brand tried his best to top the "If I was an Apple pie, the Apples inside would be Orange...." quote from Alex the unemployed communications manager last week.  Despite his best efforts, (more of that later), he appears to have peaked with "Everything I touch turns to sold". The only saving grace was a classic Nick face as he described his disgust for Stuart the Brand's management skills: "Stuart's management style, leaves me trembling with irritation"; cut to a classic Nick face, "Who does he think he is?". It was funny, but not enough to propel the episode anywhere near the realm of the interesting :-( 

Stuart the Brand led Appollo, with Verruca, Jo and Mini Pot. Speaking of management styles, Stuart the Brand didn't really have one as demonstrated by his efforts to coerce everyone into supporting the motor racing experience idea. "I want your opinion, I don't want to hear what you have to say, yes or no?" Does he even understand what an "opinion" is? Stupid question, of course not....Ludallen appointed Sandeesh to lead Synergy which comprised of: Forrest; Army bloke; Chris the Investment Banker; and Liz. To be honest, I felt Sandeesh's card was marked from the moment I heard she was in charge. It turn's out that I, along with Stuart the Brand am psychic... (He used his "psychic abilities" later in the episode "to predict what they are saying: 'He can't make a decision'. What they're are actually saying is that 'I can't make a decision' I have to be spoon fed. I. Need. Everything. Spoooon fed to me". Odious child, I know who I agreed with...). The fact that Sandeesh thought Pinewood Studios was a furniture shop, did nothing to dispel my foreboding. (I believe we established a few weeks ago that she doesn't own this year's brain cell...Didn't we? Oh well, this is definitive confirmation).

So, Forrest persuaded his team that a skiing experience would pull in the children - the target audience for the product. Predictably, the children didn't love it, despite the Penguin suit he seemed to think it was sensible to don.....
Stuart decided on a racing task, primarily because he wanted to drive fast cars. Who could blame him? It wasn't his fault, he was obviously unable to "reign in my extreme masculinity"... Deep, deep, deep, deep sigh.

Stuart the Brand had no plan (apologies everyone, didn't mean to go all "Daddy Snow" on you there, it was an accident, I promise...), but then why would he? In his own words he is "an entrepreneur" and has "got where I am being impulsive". Basically, he acted like an enormous tit during the entire task and was saved by: Mini Pot's organisation and attention to detail; and Jo's ability to relate to the target audience.

Extremely random side note: Why on earth was Verruca wearing pink fairy wings in Westfield??? What's that got to do with motor racing? 

Sandeesh's key errors were:
Poor costing and pricing; Kicking off the selling too late; and the wrong "experience". Who in their right mind wants a DVD of their child skiing down a practice slope in Milton Keynes (presumably being chased by a giant penguin)? Actually, to be fair, there did appear to be several lunatics who did want one. Which, just so we're clear, doesn't mean it was a good idea, it just proves parents will buy any sh@te that their children are in. The number of really, REALLY bad, school photos of me that my Mother insisted on buying (and I secretly destroyed a few years ago), are a testament to that. Am I the only one who sees a genuine business opportunity here?  I digress...  Despite all of the above, Sandeesh's team really should have won (as Mini Pot pointed out whilst giving Stuart the Brand the "Evils" at the end of the episode). Stuart the Brand, was a very, very lucky little boy...On the upside, it does look like he continues to act like a twit next week (see clip below), with any luck, next week will be the last we'll see of him...




 
In one of THE most boring boardrooms EVER. Ludallen said absolutely nothing funny at all. I am (almost) speechless??? I don't think that has EVER happened before????? Sack the script writers, they have failed miserably....Side note: My fears for Ludallen's sanity/competency were not abated by the comment: 'You bought 110 DVDs and sold 55, that's near enough half of them.' Errrr, I whilst I am no Albert Einstien, I am fairly certain that 55 is exactly half of them. (Suddenly, every single one of the candidates look suitable for a position in one of his companies...)

Ludallen only stopped short of begging Sandeesh to bring Forrest in, so of course she brought Chris the Investment Banker and Liz in.... If there was ever any doubt that her Goose was well and truly cooked, it vanished at that point.... Ludallen did make the point that Chris the Investment Banker isn't as great as he thinks he is and Liz made a mistake in this task, but he still fired Sandeesh. To be fair, based on who was in the boardroom at that point, he didn't really have any other option. However, if life was fair Sandeesh would have been around for at least one more week and the odious Stuart the Brand would have been gone. His face when he realised he'd won looked like he had just smelled something awful. Possibly the stench of the enormous quantity of tripe he had spouted about himself in the boardroom?


Important point to bring to your attention was the Stuart the Brand/Mini Pot feud that will doubtless intensify in coming weeks. In addition to being generally annoying, Stuart the Brand seemed to feel it was important to criticise everything Mini Pot did. On her trying to keep a track of what was happening in the "operations room": "You're one of those people who needs to write everything down... Whereas I just keep everything in my head". (Apart from the definition of the word "opinion"). His response to the fact that some of the DVD's they produced were poor quality: "Well, who's fault was that?" The implication being that it was Mini Pot's as she was responsible for production. The fact that he was responsible for quality control was, apparently, besides the point... However, the heinous crime for which, she will doubtless serve up a dish of (richly deserved) ice cold revenge at some point, happened in the board room...."Stella," said Stuart the Brand "is 31 years old and doesn't feel able to take direction from anyone younger". I actually thought at that point we might have had some documented evidence that looks can actually kill. Even Ludallen decided that keeping counsel at that point was the best course of action. If I bother watching next week, (its questionable, I don't think I could cope with another hour of this level of tedium..) I have high hopes for the first Apprentice punch up!

The only mildly (and I do mean mildly..) funny comment of the episode came as Mini Pot and Jo ruminated over possible marketing strategies in the absence of direction from their PM. "Ride of your life?" Suggested Mini Pot. "Hello Sir, fancy the ride of your life? Don't think that would come across very well would it Stella?" said Jo? As the episode progressed, I mourned the demise of that tag line :-(



Finally, the "teaser" at the end revealed that next week's task is based in Germany. Cue many, many, inappropriate remarks about: the war; the '66 world cup; commandeering deck chairs; and indeed, any other racial stereotype regarding Germans you can think of (they won't go far enough, I am confident the Candidate's will out do you). The Army guy, it appears "hates Germans", the first Apprentice homicide possibly? We can only hope, next week will be that interesting....
  

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