13/11/2010

Nobody Felt the Love Tonight - X Factor, Elton John week

Foolishly, I decided to watch the X Factor without the aid of alcohol tonight. I knew in advance it was Elton John week, I even knew what the contestants would be singing. What was I thinking??? From the off (Page, Salmon, Crocodiles..) it became clear what I mistake I had made... I rectified the alcohol situation sharpish.

Early side note, I think I may have solved the mystery of Simon's apparent personality transplant over the last few weeks. (He's being far too nice to everyone this season). There are two possible explanations: (1) He had a lobotomy just before the live shows; (2) His body has been taken over by an evil alien who intends to take over the earth (presumably by first driving everyone crazy with the talentless acts on the show, then striking when we're at our lowest). The alien clearly hasn't done his research and believes that Simon has the Cole-esq personality that he has been displaying over the last few weeks. Either works for me, you decide...

Do not adjust your picture - It is actually Salmon
Page kicked off the show wearing a Salmon jacket. No, that's not a typo, it was actually a Salmon Jacket (perhaps Cole has started dressing him now too?)  Presumably he was wearing it in hommage to the extremely fishy song choice, try as he might, poor Page could do nothing with that song. Dani felt the song "had soul". I think that goes a long way to explaining why she hasn't had a hit in a long, long time...

Aiden the Axe Murderer was also dressed by Cole, in a sliver Lamé jacket with Jedward's hair. (They probably lent to him while they're in the Jungle...) He sang Rocket Man in the style of a deranged lunatic, which to be fair, is the only style he can manage. Aiden the Axe Murderer smiled again at the end of his 'performance'. Please, please make it stop.... Side note: He seemed inordinately excited about his trip to the Harry Potter premier. Probably because it was the first opportunity in weeks he has had to speak in his native language, Parseltongue...

Mary, sang a Disney song, very, very badly...isn't that Katie the Transvestites remit??? On the upside, it was more current than anything she has sung in previous week. Sadly, it was mainly downside, she barely managed one note in tune. Simon felt that she was still in the competition because she "has a heart" (I thought all the contestants - except maybe Aiden - would have to have one?) and she sang the 'last note' really well. Shame about the rest of the song really...

Katie the Transvestite's hair seems to be getting bigger every week - refer to her vignette in advance of her 'performance". She really needs to go this week for her own safety. If that hair gets any bigger, her neck won't be capable of supporting it...Do we think her song "Saturday night's a night for fighting' was Cole's attempt at irony? Did she learn nothing from last weeks' "Simon only has one direction' quip? Comedy, of any kind, is not her forte... Katie, was consistent, absolutely rubbish. Surely, surely, surely she has to go this week???? It became clear at this point that this show really isn't about talent at all, when Simon pointed out that Katie was still in the show because of her determination and resilience. (I know! How slow am I??).  Errr, what about her talent, or lack thereof, Simon????

Lucius Malfoy thinks Matt the Hat should win. I for one won't be disagreeing with such a powerful wizard.... I'm not as excited about him as I was last week, but his was one of the better performance tonight. (That said though, the standard was extremely low....next door's cat would have been considered best performance of the night if the voting public could hear it.)

Daddy Snow was back in 'da howse' tonight. Deep, deep sigh...Dani wished there was more of the singing and less of the rapping. I wished there was none of either. Simon felt he had to make the point that she isn't at all cocky - probably because that's exactly how she comes across. I wonder who he's rooting for.... On the upside, nobody mentioned how 'current' she is. 

What happened to his neck?
Ron Weasley said that Wagner (go Wagner!) was all of their favourite, as there is 'something Wizard like about him'. He appeared to have lost his magical powers, (along with his neck), tonight. Not a classic Wagner performance tonight, but still infinitely better than Daddy Snow and Aiden the Axe Murderer.  Louis compared Wagner to a young Elton John??? Has Louis finally lost the last of his marbles?? Wagner is more like Elton John's Dad.  In a shock departure from what has been a previously wining formula, THE DANCERS DIDN'T FONDLE THEMSELVES??? I fear for Wagner this week...

Simon felt he had to apologise to Elton John 'on behalf' of the panel just before One Direction's performance. Presumably because he'd heard them in rehearsal and expected Elton to be thoroughly p@ssed off? They were actually OK this week. Not that it matters much, the teeny boppers will vote for them despite the fact that the one who refused to dance in boot camp, sang his only line in the song completely off tune. The audience screamed throughout the judges summing up of their performance. I sympathised, I felt like screaming by this point too. Simon keeps claiming to be the least biased judge on the show and to prove that,  he claimed that he "genuinely believes a group will win the competition this year".....

Becks drew the short straw tonight with "Candle in the Wind". She hadn't sung a note yet and I was already thinking "Car crash". Becks was however, brilliant, she should be though she has sung the same song since the beginning of the live shows... 

So summary of Elton John week? NOBODY felt the love tonight... The odds on Beat Boxing Bing to win improve by the week...

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