11/11/2010

The last episode of an Idiot abroad tonight, I am beside myself :-(

I can’t believe it’s over :-(

In fact the only thing that stopping me from falling into a deep depression is rejoicing the end of “The Only Way is Essex”…

Karl’s succinct assessment of his experience was: “Most of the world is grim...Louis Armstrong did that What a Wonderful World song.  I don’t know what 'ee’s going on about. If Louis had seen what I’d seen, he wouldn’t have brought that out”

Karl was constantly harping on about his best ever holiday, which was on a campsite in Wales, with his family as a child. (Despite the fact that “lots of injuries happened ‘ere actually” ). Reminiscing about his holiday, he revealed that he had dreamed of joining the Hell’s Angels. “This might not be true…but my Mum told me that to be an ‘ells Angel, you ‘ad to shit in your pants and keep them on for a week...Me Dad said me Aunty Nora could have joined then”! Ricky and Karl arranged for him to go back and it wasn’t as great as he had remembered. In fact, he decided at the end of the day it had “been a bit rubbish” He wondered if he felt like that because he had travelled the world and so had lost his taste for the simple things. He pondered on whether when his girlfriend books a holiday, “Will I go: ‘Never mind, forget ‘aving a swim in the pool, where’s the local tribe?” 
Some of his observations on his travels:

“The Taj Mahal, is almost like a diamond in a turd”

“The Great Wall of China goes on for miles, but then so does the M6”

Observing his driver in China eating lunch. “Does he know it’s not all in one piece that noodle?”

“I wouldn’t mind, but ‘ees been munching mintos in the van -  ‘ee never offered me one of them. ‘Ees eating chicken feet, suddenly ‘ees keen for me to ‘ave one”.

In Brazil – “me ears ‘ave been working overtime ere”, he names a long list of noises that have assaulted his ears, culminating in gays!  “Gays wouldn’t normally be on that list, but the one I met ‘ere just wouldn’t shut up”.

Ricky asked him if he woke up one morning gay, what would he do? “I’d just say, ‘I feel a bit happier today. I don’t know why.”

On seeing other men’s unmentionables in the gym. “If you’re not ‘appy looking a knob in the face, there’s summat wrong with ya”

On the one armed Baba in India (a man who has held his arm in the air for 12 yrs):  “I asked all the normal questions ‘What you playing at?”

He mentioned that he had learned a lot of things on his travels for example, he learned that: “...babies in China, a lot of them have square ‘eads. I asked the question and the main answer seems to be, to stop them from falling out of the cot".

Ricky indicated that some people say that he and Steven bully him and wondered what he thought of that. “If they think I am being bullied, what are they doing? ….Where’s Esther Ransen?…. I’ve heard a load of people saying that, well why aren’t they ‘elping me?”

On his staged kidnapping in Israel and the sheer terror that he clearly felt,  Steve said: “They often say in moments like that, when you think you’re going to die, your life flashes before your eyes, did yours?”  Karl: “Well no, ‘cause like I said, I ‘ad a bag over me ‘ead”.

His final comment on the trip? “They say travel broadens the mind, but I don’t know if it does. Buggers it up, I‘m knackered”. 

I am downloading all the podcasts as you read this!!!

 

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