It was a Hard Day's night and....

... I am definitely psychic. Earlier on today I predicted that the Wagster would: sing badly; we wouldn't be able to understand a word; he would look crazy; and Louis would get his name wrong. It's uncanny, not one, not two, but ALL of my predictions came true. In what was definitely the high point of tonight's show, the Wagster 'mashed up' not two, but THREE Beatles songs. (Though it's questionable as to whether it was actually three as I don't remember seeing 'Aaaayyyy Jooooo' in the back catalogue..). Unless I am much mistaken, that was an X Factor first - additional brownie points to the Wagster.

Whilst we are on the subject of the Wagster...He has claimed to be a Brazilian for the last couple of months, tonight, he let slip that, that wasn't true. "When I start singing," he said "I enter another dimension". That explains it all: the weird "look"; the unintelligible English; the fact that the whole country (myself included) has been hypnotised into loving him when we all know he can't sing... The Wagster is an Alien from the same planet that has taken over Simon's body.

Cheryl's status as the "nations sweetheart" (does anyone, other than the journalists who write that twaddle actually think that?) was put seriously in Jeopardy tonight. She tried to rubbish the Wagster for comments he had allegedly made in the press about her coming from a council estate (obviously a hideous libel bearing in mind the fact that she DID grow up on a council estate). Given the fact that she would have had many opportunities to tackle him on it in private pre the show, it seems like a serious miscalculation on the part of Cheryl and her publicists that she chose to call him on it, on live TV???? Wagner may appear to be an idiot, but we now know that he is a superior life form. He turned it around on her artfully. If she didn't feel incredibly embarrassed, post his "you are wonderful, due to your talent, despite your disadvantaged background" speech, then she is either: far stupider than I gave her credit for, not recognising heartfelt admiration when she hears it; or an idiot savant, able to see patterns where the rest of us aren't and she knows he's just a alien trying to win her over.....

Anyhoo, back to the performance. The Wagster was, as expected, terrible, but entertaining none the less. "In the real world," said Simon, "it was the worst version of a Beatles song I have ever heard". Even Simon conceded that the X Factor is not the real world. If the Wagster does nothing else in his life, he should go down in the annals of history as the man who got Cowell to admit (albeit subliminally) that something he champions is in fact, twaddle... Despite a classic Wagster performance, I fear he is in danger of elimination next week as THE DANCERS DIDN'T FONDLE THEMSELVES... The Wagster response to Simon's questions as to whether he thinks he can win the competition: "I never thought of winning. I just wanted an opportunity to be in the show beeznezz". Somebody give that man a job!

I think the "not fondling" dancers, were the result of a directive from the Cowell who is aware of the advantage they gave him. Instead, the fondling dancers turned up in Matt the Hat's performance. He arrived on stage half dressed, in an attempt to 'do sexy' tonight. It didn't work, newsflash: Matt the Hat is not sexy. (No Dani, even you telling us he was "hhhhot" in the VT didn't convince). Instead, he succeeded in looking as if he had just been "literally dragged out of the toilet onto the stage" as Simon commented. Louis felt he sang well, but his performance was "missing something". Simon hit the nail on the head, it was "his shirt". (My life is over, I agree - violently - with a 50 year old man).

Side note: I know it was advertised as "Beatles" week, but I suspect that there was a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" week subtext. Matt the Hat, The Wagster and Page all left their necks at home.

Not wearing the 80's but missing a neck

No fondling dancers and missing a neck

Don't let this picture fool you, there was no neck...
(OK COMPLETELY random side note: Am writing this with 'Law and Order Special Victims Unit' on in the background. I hadn't been watching, but will have to now as Olivia just said: "Is there a reason why the killer sodomised your husband with a banana?". Wife's response: "Well he was allergic to bananas". I HAVE to watch this, back later!! Quick update: 45 minutes in and a Russian Prostitute just admitted that she "put the banana in Andrew's rear end". "Yes, he was allergic, but if that's what killed him, it was an honest mistake."!!!!)

OK back now...Up next was Daddy Snow, singing Imagine - John Lennon song, NOT the Beatles. I expected Louis to whinge about that, but he let us down. (To be fair he was probably focusing, lest he forget, on the name of the Black man he would be comparing Page to post his performance. More of that later...) It seems even Daddy Snow couldn't work her trademark "rap" into Imagine. Nor did she manage to hop across the stage like a Monkey on crack, whilst making shapes with her hands that probably mean: "I'm going to get Kentucky, want some?" but only if you are a member of a specific gang from the West coast of the US. So not as "versatile" as the judges took pains to point out, ad nauseam, in their summing up then. I tried my best to "Imagine" that it was good, I couldn't... On the upside, she only grimaced once (so the meds are starting to kick in) at the very end of the performance. ...The absence of crazy dancing was probably due to the fact that she was stuck on half a staircase. Simon seemed to think that was a bad thing. I say strap her to it for the rest of the competition, for all our sakes....

One Direction were up next and I worried that we might have to call in social services if the Dancers fondled themselves whilst the children were on stage. Luckily, Brian managed to reign himself in and the choreography consisted of the dancers pogo-ing in the background in the dying seconds of the song. Phew... They were actually OK (with the added bonus that the one who wouldn't dance in boot camp, DIDN'T do his trademark off key echo..), which predictably caused Simon to rhapsodise about them being the best thing since sliced bread. They looked cute (even though Harry needs a haircut), the teeny boppers will vote for them, they'll be back next week.

Becks, despite signing the same song for the last 5 weeks, was awful and in an attempt to blend in with the aliens who have taken over Simon's body, wore an outfit from Logans Run. Simon said he hadn't seen her that nervous for ages - probably because she knew how awful her performance would be? Cheryl, bizarrely invited Becks back to her dressing room "any time you like". Are things that bad Cheryl? If the tabloids are to be believed, Will-I-Am and Derek what's him name are on standby if you're desperate - LEAVE BECKS ALONE, she's got a lot of practising to do, to get back on form for next week.

Mary shouted her way through "Something" in a very Cruise Ship/Wedding singer type performance. (And seemingly in the same outfit she has had on for the last 4 weeks???) Most of the judges thought she was "back". Cheryl, who was clearly on form tonight, thought she "sang with such experience...and it's because you've lived life". So basically, she was saying you're an old bag Mary.

Page, didn't wear the 80's tonight, I was feeling quite optimistic as the camera moved in for the first close up and then I realised his jacket was velvet, deep sigh.... He sang "Let it Be" in what for me, was the best performance of the night (my eyes were closed so I couldn't see the jacket). This week, Louis thought he was like a little Marvin Gay. I am worried for Louis if Page stays in for much longer, he will definitely run out of black men to compare Page too. (Louis, you can use Patrick Truman from Eastenders if you get really stuck).

Katie the Transvestite's plans to start the pleading early this week, worked. Even though she sung 'Help' in slow motion, it was probably her best performance on a Saturday to date... No idea what she'll do tomorrow, we all know she will be in the bottom two in any event - or at least we all hope she will... She's been through Etta James' back catalogue and she did her exit song tonight. Dare I say it, perhaps she'll actually go? I can but hope... Katie the Transvestite has had a bit of makeover which, as well as accentuating her unfortunately large ears, has left her looking like a pre-op transsexual. So some progress then... Dani was confused by her performance (so are we Dani, so are we); and thinks she should become an actress (so do we Dani, so do we). Simon, in an undisguised attempt to prolong his love-in with Cole, thought her performance "lyrically, was genius". Which was interesting as she didn't write it. McCartney (in lieu of Lennon and himself who actually did write it) will, from the safe haven of Brazil where he wisely chose to be whilst the contestants murdered his songs, will be so pleased about that.

Before, I forget, special mention to Kate who provided the venue (and Pizza's) for tonight's viewing and along with Andrew and Toulla (also in attendance) additional amusement! (Especially Andrew who is apparently tone deaf as he seemed to think they all sounded OK.....) So bottom two? No idea, Katie the post op transexual should be in it, but who the hell knows...

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