"Elvis is back with a moustache and a funny foreign accent” Wagner to win, just because of that comment!

American Anthems...we knew it would be awful, we also knew there would be a marked absence of American Anthems, the contestants didn't disappoint...

Daddy Snow was back tonight – it’s official, she definitely can’t sing. On the upside, she grimaced a lot less than usual, but she more than made up for it by holding one of dancers (who failed to fondle themselves) in a headlock. Guess what? The judges loved it…..

I  never thought I'd say this, but Katie the Transvestite should stick to singing songs from Disney cartoons...Simon loved the staging and the look (Leather clad transvestite, that's Simon's thing is it? She couldn't walk in those shoes either). But what about the singing Simon? It was worse than awful – At one point she sang the line “with my head in my hand, I sit and cry…” I do that every time she appears on screen.
I was relying on Becks to raise the standard of the evening. Instead, she sang another slow song, and did not fare well in comparison to Gamu…. That used to be one of my favourite songs, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to listen to it again. 

Tracey, yes, yes, she can sing, but wins the prize for the most boring song of the evening (and bear in mind that Mary had already sung by this point…) This week, Cheryl turned her hand to styling Tracey (someone else did Becks, she looked OK). Tracey came as her own Grandma, what with that and the terrible song, I fear Tracey is heading for the bottom two…
It was with trepidation that I waited for Aiden the Axe murderer’s performance….Could he top the nightmare that was last weeks massacre of Thriller? Apparently, he could… From the moment I heard the opening line, I knew we were in trouble and indeed we were -  it didn't improve throughout. Louis couldn’t find anything negative, really? I have enough negative comments to fill and entire page of A4 paper.  Side note: I think Aiden should be banned from smiling before the watershed - it's very, very scary. There may be children watching.  He did however, shake slightly less than usual and as mentioned earlier,  Daddy Snow grimaced less - I guess the doctors have upped their dosage…

Page, the good news: he wasn’t wearing the 80’s. The bad news: It’s unclear which era his outfit hailed from. I’m sure I’ve heard that version of the song before….on Shrek maybe?  That said, it was the first performance that was actually on tune all evening. Side note: is being compared to Lenny Henry in a singing competition a good thing?

STOP PRESS!!! Someone was actually good on X Factor.  Not only did he sing in tune, but all my glassware is intact, no ‘high C” tonight.  If we can’t have Wagner, then Matt to win!!! (But only if they bring back the hat).

Mary was hideously off tune, she looked as horrified as I was at the end of it. Clearly if it’s not a song from the 50’s/60’s, she can’t manage it. Like I said, I am so over Mary.

Wagner’s only problem with Louis, is that Louis doesn’t say his name properly. What about the fact that he has spoken an awful lot of drivel for the last few weeks Wagner?  "Elvis is back with a moustache and a funny foreign accent”. He can’t sing, he looks crazy, his English is barely intelligible, but I am a little bit in love with Wagner now!! Oh and we saw the first fondling incident of the show during his performance – Wagner will definitely be back next week.

I think Cheryl cracked a  little joke – I can’t be certain as it wasn’t particularly funny but…“Simon has literally got one direction, one..”  Sadly though, after tonight’s performance by his group, I don’t think he has anymore. 

As an aside is anyone else missing Beat Boxing Bing? As far as I'm concerned, he was the best thing about the show. Since the contestants started showing their true colours (i.e. their inability to sing), the ad has mysteriously been pulled...


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