11/11/2010

Boxing Day? Thank God it's over.... for now

It was the final episode of the only way is Essex tonight, I am finally free!! Unfortunately only until Christmas though, if the veiled threat at the end of the episode is to be believed... So as a special treat the boredom went on for a whole, interminable, hour instead of the usual 30mins. It seemed a lot longer to me...


It was the big boxing match tonight, Arg (we like Arg) was compering and secretly wearing his "Team Mark" T-Shirt under his tux. He let Mark know that "win or lose, you'll always be a winner to me". Bless!!


Mark (who we don't like), inspired by Muhammad Ali's catchphrase "Float like a Butterfly, sting like a Bee' came up with his own memorable catchphrase: "Kirk's gonna 'ave a fight with a one Mark right. But 'e's got not chance ..." no idea what the rest of it was, I lost interest. It wasn't so much a catchphrase as a novella - I can't see it catching on. To be honest of it wasn't for the gorgeous Nanny Pat (who had a makeover tonight despite being the only woman on the show who doesn't need one), I'd have been rooting for him to lose for the catchphrase alone...
Mark spent the entire episode lying to, well, everyone and their Nan and their dog. Basically, think of anyone and Mark will have lied to them, generally whilst looking them straight in the eye. "Have you been seeing Lauren?" asked (very orange) Lucy. "I might as well tell you the truth" said Mark, then he didn't. If the club owner gig doesn't work out for him, he has a potentially lucrative, alternative career in the underworld - he'd never fail a polygraph. Or, if he'd rather remain within the confines of the law, "Would I lie to you?" Possibly the only person he didn't lie to was Nanny Pat. Luckily for him, as the nation would have been in uproar.... Actually, scrap that, the "nation" can't possibly still be watching this. It can only be me and a few other of my fellow sad losers still submitting ourselves to it... He did however, call Nanny Pat "gewl", which I thought was a bit disrespectful, as that offence paled into insignificance compared to his other transgression, we won't labour over it.


Kirk was over confident and lost, badly. Not in small part due to his "quip": "I'm going to turn Mark Wright, into Mark wrong".....Side note: Kirk should ask his personal trainer for his money back. Despite, what seems likes, months of training, (maybe it's just weeks, maybe this show makes me feel like I've fallen into a vortex..) he still should NOT take his shirt of in public. Definitely NOT a good look. I'm just going to write "not" a few more times in capital letters, to emphasis how important that advice is - NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT. To be fair, Mark had the advantage of wise words from Nanny Pat and Granddad's watch for good luck. Kirk was always on a hiding to nothing.


What else? How could I forget? There was a "Vajazzling Party". Yes my friends you heard correctly, a "Vajazzling party". I thought it was a joke at the top of the episode when some blonde girl, (not sure who she was), was putting up a poster announcing it. Later in the episode however, the camera cut to a random girl, sprawled across a seat in a club being vajazelled (cringe). Followed by a shot of a line of, seemingly hundreds, of misguided Essex girls waiting their turn. To be vajazzelled? On a seat, in a CLUB???? What? How? Why? I am so naive....

In other news, Kirk's Mum proved to be a bit of a nutter. Whilst all the other women recoiled in horror as Mark and Kirk pounded each other into a pulp, she was centre stage screaming "Knock the little sh@t daaaann" with an evil glint in her eye. Scary...


Lola, Mark's sister's group, performed somewhere (wasn't paying attention, so not entirely sure who they were inflicted on). They proved themselves to be equal to the majority of the contestant on X Factor, delivering one of the worst performances I've seen since Aiden and Cher on Saturday... Their new management team looked on with clearly increasing horror. You could almost hear them adding up the cash they have doubtless thrown away developing this group.


Large Lauren, spent the first half of the episode revealing, but only in code that she was still sleeping with Mark and the second have blurting it out to all who would listen. Lucy (still very orange), bought Mark's story about Large Lauren fantasizing and his only having eyes for her. Large Lauren, to her credit, didn't buy the same story when he tried it on her later and flounced off announcing she was going to Dubai (with one of the "two twins") to take up a "fantastic job opportunity". (Presumably to further her "Kreer"). Despite that, I feel fairly certain that if we are unlucky enough to have a second season inflicted on us at Christmas, she'll be in it...


Finally on a happier note a new season of "The Family" starts next week and promises to be very entertaining... http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-family/articles/video-the-family-returns

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