30/11/2010

The Family - Single Black Male

Ayo was in the spotlight tonight and apart from the rapping (more of that later...) he seems to be a really lovely guy. Ayo is keen to have a relationship, is internet dating and looking for the right girl. (His online profile sounded so sweet). He mentioned that he loved his 'chocolate ladies' (how cute??) and that he was enjoying dating lots of nice girls. (OK some nice girls, but he said it very politely!) He also mentioned that he found it really hard to commit because of a previous, serious, relationship that he had, that had ended badly. The young lady in question got pregnant for another man and pretended that it was his. They split up, but he never really got over her and has kept in contact. Towards the end of the episode, Ayo dropped his bombshell, he 'may' still want to see her. Mum (to be fair, as any Mum in that situation would be) was NOT amused. A touch of racism reared its ugly head (yes, black people can be racist too...): his parents want him to be with a nice "Nigerian girl", but Ayo likes Jamaicans. Unfortunately, the lady who deceived him was a Jamaican, but Ayo, lovely man that he is, seems able to forgive her. Not so Mum....

Sadly, Ayo decided he needed to write a song about it. Deep, deep sigh and so to the 'rapping'. Can somebody stop him??? Please??? Examples of Ayo's lyrics:
"Mum, you're gonna be proud of your son" (repeat until you get bored of saying it)
"Black is a circle and less of a line" ?????
My personal favourite "ner, ner, ner, ner, ner full of, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner Smirnoff" Deep, deep, deep, deep, sigh
"no one likes a cock block" Errrrr, I agree???
Olu, the younger brother, indicated that Ayo's rapping used to be quite good but now "he's pushing it a bit and the quality has started to go down a bit". Perhaps that explains it....

Rapping aside, Ayo came across as a really lovely young man. Ladies of his target age group (19 - 35), get yourselves on match dot.com, there's a bit of a gem out there looking for love. (Watch out for Mum though..)

Looks like the "selling tat task" week on Apprentice is going to be really dull....

Looks like Wednesday's episode is going to be really boring. No sign of a skeleton (so no  " The Skelton coulda dun a be'er job than you did" type quips from Ludallen). Boring clip with Chris the extremely boring Investment Banker lying about a present for his Gran below. I don't know if I'm going to bother to watch...


29/11/2010

This is what I'll be doing post X Factor/Apprentice

The newest reality TV show to hit our screens, first airing will be on Living, Dec 13th. It can't possibly be for real: "Germany's most flamboyant celebrity" but I'm loving him already!

28/11/2010

Rousing chorus of 'At Last' anyone? X factor the results

Still "hurting" from Katie the post op Transsexual's double savaging of two previously quite listenable (sp?) songs, I tuned into the results show. I was worried for the Wagster tonight, having a sneaking suspicion that Cowell and the producers wouldn’t allow him to progress any further in the competition. As a result I made the unprecedented move of actually voting for him (X Factor phone voting cherry now officially popped). Basically, I just added, whatever portion of my 35p he gets, to Cowell’s vast fortune – Oh well, it was worth a try.

Odd assortment of guests tonight. The lip-synching commenced with some group called ‘The Wanted’ that I had never heard of before they popped up on the Xtra Factor on Saturday night. Strangely unattractive bunch, apart from the one that looks like he has recently been released from Pentonville. (No idea what his name is, but he was definitely sufficiently thuggish for my tastes. I digress…) Justin Bieber, a pre teen phenomenon in the US was next. I know I should have hated him, but in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that I quite liked the "Baby Oooh' song. (AND he 'mashed up' his own songs a la the Wagster - come on, he deserves a few brownie points???) Please don’t hate me.

27/11/2010

The X Factor definitely didn't Rock my world tonight

It was Rock Week tonight. Well technically it was, but some of the song choices left me questioning that. On the Xtra Factor, Dermot said that he thinks the “definition of Rock is technically quite loose”, never a truer word spoken in jest…The remaining contestants also “sang” and I use the term loosely re most of them, two songs each. At risk of giving away the ending too early, none of them have a promising career in that genre of music. On the upside, I am now planning to launch into a prolonged bout of drink and debauchery as tonight, I felt like I was in hell. The real Hell couldn’t possibly be worse than Rock week.

Up first, in the graveyard slot, was the Wagster. (Side note: Wags was given the graveyard slot both times, despite the line up having been “mixed up”. Co-incidence? Methinks not…) His first song was “Creep”. Louis may well be an evil genius as the lyrics included the lines: “I am a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here…I don’t belong here”, delicious irony? Or perhaps Louis just wasn’t aware of the lyrical content. A savvy, insightful music mogul like Louis unaware? Surely not… At one point during ‘Creep” Wagner sung the line “I wish I was special" you are Wags, you are. His second song was ‘Addicted to Love’, which Wagner made his own by changing the lyrics to “Addicted to Lorb” (love it). Wagner in a suit, Dad dancing, with a couple of weirdos in the background was, as far as I am concerned, genius! So there were no dancers, no mash up and the singing was actually OK(ish). Worse still, Dani liked him - I fear Wags is for the chop this week...

26/11/2010

The Apprentice - Good times, happy days..

Pants are the future and does anyone have a clue who Cassandra is?




Can anyone ever top this?



Come back Apprentice 2009 candidates, all is forgiven. (OK not quite all, there's still no excuse for Pantsmans)

25/11/2010

I haven't been watching "I'm a Celeb"...

...not desperately interested in watching people consume animals testicles and the like... That said, I caught a bit of it tonight. How glad am I? Thoughts on Gillian McKeith:

Shaun Ryder "She looks like she's been dead about 3 years".
Dom Joly "She looks like she was exhumed for this show".

I had to switch off after that and I will never watch again. Everything after that exchange can only be a huge anticlimax!

An Idiot Abroad - Peru Highlights

Definitely the funniest episode of the whole series - This is compulsory viewing, homework question: Have you seen anything funnier than this recently (because if you have I need to see it now)?

Some more Karl - Oh how I miss him :-(







Come back Karl, come back!

Cupid Stunt to win X Factor?


Another Master Class for Daddy Snow....

The Idiots were abroad on the Apprentice tonight...

So we've had Ageism - think Stuart the Brand's comment about Mini Pot last week. We've had misogyny - think Mini Pot "taking one for the team in the "Cuulie" task (If I'm not mistaken, Stuart the Brand had a hand in that too). The triumvirate HAD to be completed, the series would have an unsatisfying, almost incomplete quality to it if we didn't have a touch of racism (said in a French accent as it sounds so much better - raaaa-sees-mu, so much less offensive n'est-ce pas? Sorry, I don't speak German. Mind you neither does Stuart the Brand, but more of that later...) In fact I was on the edge of my seat for the entire episode, waiting for the candidates to burst into a rousing chorus of "two world wars and one world cup, do dah, do dah" - expertly led by the Army guy who "hates Germans". Yes, the idiots were abroad tonight, in Germany to be precise. Unsurprisingly, the Germans were as impressed by the candidates as we are. So not at all basically...

In a shock departure from form, the Triumverate was not completed, the candidates were far too busy messing the task up to be bothered with such trivialities, (another week maybe..) Stuart the Brand definitely had a hand in that though, but to fair to him (no, I can't believe I'm saying that either!) he wasn't the only one. Forrest opened the episode with another of his sharp, insightful comments "that's the German flag with an eagle on it". I could actually feel the space time continuum shift at that point, the hour ahead seemingly endless, but, glutton for punishment that I am, I continued to watch anyway.

24/11/2010

Uncomfortable viewing on 'The Family' tonight

Vicky and Sunday were away in Nigeria for a funeral (having a lot more fun that you're supposed to at that sort of event, but that's another story). Vicky wasn't at all worried, convinced as she was, that the children were responsible and that Ayo, the "surrogate Dad" would keep things in check. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Ayo was masterminding a house party that seemingly every young person in London was invited to. "My sister invited people on facebook...400 people are coming...As long as the house doesn't get ruined" everything will be OK, he grinned. Cut to scenes of devastation the next morning..which, to be fair to them, it seems they did a good job of clearing up. I wouldn't mind but (a) these people are not teenagers, Ayo is 28 and Julie is 25. Just because you are still living at home at that age, is no excuse to act like a 14 year old (b) They were being filmed, did they not think their parents would find out??? Ayo couldn't resist the opportunity to rap, badly. This week he was "black, living on crack" or something along those lines. Mmmmm.... I tell you what, "I'm old and if the truth be told. All these fake rappers are getting right on my knackers..." (Ayo and Daddy Snow, take note of just how stupid that sounds....) I suppose all's well that ends well, but presumably Mum and Dad, having seen the footage by now, will think twice before leaving their two, (maturity free) eldest children in charge again...

The "uncomfortable" bit was Julie's constant bullying of her younger sister Ola. She justified it as "making sure she was happy". She wasn't bullying her at all, she was just giving her help and advice. Advice in the form of calling her fat and lazy, dictating when she could eat and reducing her to tears at every available opportunity. To be fair, she attacked her brothers whenever the opportunity arose too, but the majority of her venom was directed towards Ola. At one point, she conceded that "she's 15 and I'm 25 and I shouldn't really be having arguments with her". However, the fact that poor Ola had the temerity to answer back/try to defend herself on occasion, was justification for her to continue the unreasonable behaviour.

Julie herself revealed what is probably the real motive for her behaviour, jealously. Ola, unlike her elder siblings is being educated privately and Julie (this seasons Emily Hughes?) commented that "it would have helped" if she could have had the same opportunity. I'm not sure what if anything, we, the viewers, were supposed to learn from this spectacle, but I hope it causes Julie to take a long hard look at her behaviour. Despite last night's, not particularly imaginative excuses, she will find herself wanting. So after terrorising, everyone really, at the end of the episode Julie claimed that her sister and brothers are her "best friends". If that's how she treats her best friends, I'd hate to be her enemy....





23/11/2010

Do you think is why Louis thought Page was "like a little Lenny Henry"?


Daddy Snow should consider that to be an instructional video...

Actually, this is probably what caused the comparison - fast forward to about 3mins 50 secs.

21/11/2010

So perhaps, the rumours about Katie...

...the post op transsexual, not being a complete newbie to the Industry are true. The video below is the first in a series (made back when she was pre-op) about her journey to the States to make it big. She didn't mention that at the auditions... I haven't watched it all - she starts "singing" at around 3mins 50 sec, I've had a weekend of her on X Factor, I couldn't cope - but the whole thing looks very contrived...

Be still my beating heart. Might we actually get rid of Daddy Snow tonight?

What was I thinking? Of course not...

25 minutes into the results show and there was still no word as to who was out. In my head, I was wondering why they didn't just avoid the panto that would have been the sing off with Katie the post op transsexual and just tell Page to leave there and then. (The assumption being that it would be Katie the post op transsexual bottom and Page as this weeks sacrificial lamb.)

Then in a shock move, the producers rigged up a different ending in order to support the fallacy that people actually like Katie the post op transsexual. Katie the post op transsexual was the first act through??? (So clearly, singing her survival song on Saturday is the way forward for her....I was speechless (briefly). Who voted for her? 'Fess up, someone out there is the cause of us being tortured by her on a weekly basis). Daddy Snow was in the bottom two. At last!!!!!! For a fleeting moment, I allowed myself to hope that we might actually see the demise of Daddy Snow. Even Daddy Snow looked worried (the Producers clearly hadn't let her in on it).

The Only Way is Essex Remix - Cassetteboy have done it again!

Their version is so much more interesting than the real thing!


Finally, I've found some people with more time on their hands than I seem to have... Cassetteboy does James Bond. Funny, but the only slight quibble I have with them on this one, is that they didn't manage to work in the scene with Daniel Craig in his keks, emerging, dripping wet, from the sea..


...and Party Leaders


Blimey AND Dragon's Den (another one that is infinitely better than the actual show)


Nothing to do with Cassetteboy, but funny all the same. Ali G interviewing Victoria and David Beckham - hilarious!

It was a Hard Day's night and....

... I am definitely psychic. Earlier on today I predicted that the Wagster would: sing badly; we wouldn't be able to understand a word; he would look crazy; and Louis would get his name wrong. It's uncanny, not one, not two, but ALL of my predictions came true. In what was definitely the high point of tonight's show, the Wagster 'mashed up' not two, but THREE Beatles songs. (Though it's questionable as to whether it was actually three as I don't remember seeing 'Aaaayyyy Jooooo' in the back catalogue..). Unless I am much mistaken, that was an X Factor first - additional brownie points to the Wagster.

Whilst we are on the subject of the Wagster...He has claimed to be a Brazilian for the last couple of months, tonight, he let slip that, that wasn't true. "When I start singing," he said "I enter another dimension". That explains it all: the weird "look"; the unintelligible English; the fact that the whole country (myself included) has been hypnotised into loving him when we all know he can't sing... The Wagster is an Alien from the same planet that has taken over Simon's body.


Cheryl's status as the "nations sweetheart" (does anyone, other than the journalists who write that twaddle actually think that?) was put seriously in Jeopardy tonight. She tried to rubbish the Wagster for comments he had allegedly made in the press about her coming from a council estate (obviously a hideous libel bearing in mind the fact that she DID grow up on a council estate). Given the fact that she would have had many opportunities to tackle him on it in private pre the show, it seems like a serious miscalculation on the part of Cheryl and her publicists that she chose to call him on it, on live TV???? Wagner may appear to be an idiot, but we now know that he is a superior life form. He turned it around on her artfully. If she didn't feel incredibly embarrassed, post his "you are wonderful, due to your talent, despite your disadvantaged background" speech, then she is either: far stupider than I gave her credit for, not recognising heartfelt admiration when she hears it; or an idiot savant, able to see patterns where the rest of us aren't and she knows he's just a alien trying to win her over.....

20/11/2010

We all know I'll never get my act together....

...in time to actually send any of you Xmas pressies or cards... So here's what I would have sent if I was organised enough. Everyone know who each item applies to (don't pretend you don't....). Feel free to plagiarize my excellent gift ideas - my real present to you this xmas :-)



Get behind the lads. You know, our boys. The ones that have more representation globally than our politicians. The ones that never win anything.
20 minutes? It takes THAT long to read? Perhaps if you spend a long time looking at all the pretty pictures...

The intended recipient of this T - Shirt, knows who she is......

OK, the description associated with this t-shirt says: "Another classic t-shirt from the British satire site Daily Mash offering funny stories on news, politics and sport, an agony aunt column and polls." Their loss, they are missing 
out on the delicious irony that is the X Factor!




It's not that we condone excessive drinking. It's just that Daily Mash do...........alright, we like it a little bit. Maybe a bit too much...........what was I talking about?




And these are the cards that you would have got, if I could get my act etc....
 

I love the Daily Mash!! No they're not paying me (I am a fool to myself...) and you can buy all of this stuff here: http://dailymash.shotdeadinthehead.com/Default.aspx?cat=28

Also, for additional Reality TV related reading, please see the interesting and extremely informative article,  recently posted on the Daily Mash:  APPRENTICE CONTESTANTS TO RUN IRISH ECONOMY

(See also, the completely random William and Kate: Eight years of doing it, hilarious! Especially the "Royal engagement newspaper bullshit round-up" at the end!!)

Another Random Post

Nothing to do with Reality TV, but very, very funny!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

19/11/2010

Its Beatles week on the X Factor...

...Guess who's singing 'Help!'  It could only be her couldn't it? Katie the Transvestite plans to start the pleading early this week, I see her logic there really isn't any point waiting until Sunday to sing her exit song....

Becks will be singing the same song again (no doubt really, really well), except this week she'll be calling it "Yesterday".  Matt the Hat is singing ‘Come Together’, I struggle to see how he'll fit a high C into the arrangement, but I suspect he'll manage (glassware is already on lockdown in anticipation). 

Rest of the line up: Paige, ‘Let It Be’; Mary, ‘Something’ (Beatles version below for the uninitiated, she can definitely make that one her own...); One Direction,  ‘All You Need Is Love'. Simon already thinks it's the performance of the night. We know he knows this because he "can see the future" as he indicated post a Daddy Snow performance a couple of weeks back. Speaking of Daddy Snow, she is going with 'Imagine'. Try as I might, I just can't see how she'll work a rap into the middle of that one, but as we have come to realise over the last few weeks - nothing is too ridiculous to try out in the pursuit of being 'current'...

Finally, the Wagster will be mashing up again doing a "Get Back/Hippy Hippy Shake' combo. Simon's psychic powers are clearly rubbing off on me because I already know that: he will sing badly; we won't be able to understand a word; he'll look crazy; and Louis will get his name wrong; I'll still want him to win. In fact the only open question is whether the dancers will fondle themselves or not...

17/11/2010

Possibly the most boring episode of The Apprentice, EVER?

I struggled not to fall asleep during tonight's episode. The candidate's had to create an interactive movie that people could star in and then buy a DVD recording of their experience. It SHOULD have been interesting, or as a minimum funny. Sadly, it was neither of those :-(

There were no Ludallenisms, none, zero, nada :-( Stuart the Brand tried his best to top the "If I was an Apple pie, the Apples inside would be Orange...." quote from Alex the unemployed communications manager last week.  Despite his best efforts, (more of that later), he appears to have peaked with "Everything I touch turns to sold". The only saving grace was a classic Nick face as he described his disgust for Stuart the Brand's management skills: "Stuart's management style, leaves me trembling with irritation"; cut to a classic Nick face, "Who does he think he is?". It was funny, but not enough to propel the episode anywhere near the realm of the interesting :-( 

Stuart the Brand led Appollo, with Verruca, Jo and Mini Pot. Speaking of management styles, Stuart the Brand didn't really have one as demonstrated by his efforts to coerce everyone into supporting the motor racing experience idea. "I want your opinion, I don't want to hear what you have to say, yes or no?" Does he even understand what an "opinion" is? Stupid question, of course not....Ludallen appointed Sandeesh to lead Synergy which comprised of: Forrest; Army bloke; Chris the Investment Banker; and Liz. To be honest, I felt Sandeesh's card was marked from the moment I heard she was in charge. It turn's out that I, along with Stuart the Brand am psychic... (He used his "psychic abilities" later in the episode "to predict what they are saying: 'He can't make a decision'. What they're are actually saying is that 'I can't make a decision' I have to be spoon fed. I. Need. Everything. Spoooon fed to me". Odious child, I know who I agreed with...). The fact that Sandeesh thought Pinewood Studios was a furniture shop, did nothing to dispel my foreboding. (I believe we established a few weeks ago that she doesn't own this year's brain cell...Didn't we? Oh well, this is definitive confirmation).

So, Forrest persuaded his team that a skiing experience would pull in the children - the target audience for the product. Predictably, the children didn't love it, despite the Penguin suit he seemed to think it was sensible to don.....
Stuart decided on a racing task, primarily because he wanted to drive fast cars. Who could blame him? It wasn't his fault, he was obviously unable to "reign in my extreme masculinity"... Deep, deep, deep, deep sigh.

Banned Adverts

Volkswagen aren't paying me for this, I just love this add!!! Apparently little children who say "b@llocks" repeatedly, no matter how cute are dangerous and should be banned from TV.....

This one was banned in Australia apparently. I guess there were worried it might put ideas into the heads of any babies that were watching...


Not sure why this one was banned, seems perfectly normal to me....


Or this one for that matter...


No idea why this would be banned - or am I just really jaded?



Whilst we're at it, this hasn't been banned, but I think the dancing in this one is amazing. Not sure what it's got to do with the car though....


16/11/2010

The first episode of "The Family" tonight and I think I am going to like it.

The family are led by Nigerians, Vicky and Sunday (so named because he was born on a Sunday!) and they seem to be nice, decent people. They have 4 children, who all live at home and everyone is perfectly happy about that. The children have the usual petty squabbles that sisters and brothers do, but are clearly very close. 

Tonight's episode centred on the preparations for Sunday's 60th birthday. Vicky, who for my money will be the star of this show, appeared to be organising it single-handedly, whilst: making a special birthday cake; sorting the family out; making sure the "celebrant" as she called him(!) was happy; and presumably (though we didn't see it) working in the family's Nigerian restaurant/takeaway. Mum's got moves too! There was a lot of booty shaking going on in tonight's episode and it did not go unappreciated by Sunday...! All this was done whilst managing to look considerably younger than her 52 years - not a wrinkle in sight (life is not fair...) Mum power!!!

15/11/2010

Let the Christmas fun commence... For me anyway :-)

At least 5 people I know, won't find this funny. I on the other hand, think it's hilarious!!!
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Aiden definitely didn't feel the Love last night - X Factor the results , Elton John week

As we all know, I wasn't rooting for Aiden the Axe Murderer, (Becks or the Wagster to win!) but he shouldn't have gone last night. Undisguised game playing by Simon. In previous seasons, he voted acts off because of the obvious lack of public confidence. He obviously saw Aiden the Axe Murderer as a threat to his boys and that's why he saved Katie the Transvestite. Now we really MUST all join the "Wags to Win" campaign, just to p@ss Cowell off.... 

http://www.facebook.com/wagnercarrilho?v=wall#!/pages/Rage-Against-The-X-Factor-Vote-For-Wagner-Keep-Him-In/102407649826317


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

13/11/2010

Nobody Felt the Love Tonight - X Factor, Elton John week

Foolishly, I decided to watch the X Factor without the aid of alcohol tonight. I knew in advance it was Elton John week, I even knew what the contestants would be singing. What was I thinking??? From the off (Page, Salmon, Crocodiles..) it became clear what I mistake I had made... I rectified the alcohol situation sharpish.

Early side note, I think I may have solved the mystery of Simon's apparent personality transplant over the last few weeks. (He's being far too nice to everyone this season). There are two possible explanations: (1) He had a lobotomy just before the live shows; (2) His body has been taken over by an evil alien who intends to take over the earth (presumably by first driving everyone crazy with the talentless acts on the show, then striking when we're at our lowest). The alien clearly hasn't done his research and believes that Simon has the Cole-esq personality that he has been displaying over the last few weeks. Either works for me, you decide...

Do not adjust your picture - It is actually Salmon
Page kicked off the show wearing a Salmon jacket. No, that's not a typo, it was actually a Salmon Jacket (perhaps Cole has started dressing him now too?)  Presumably he was wearing it in hommage to the extremely fishy song choice, try as he might, poor Page could do nothing with that song. Dani felt the song "had soul". I think that goes a long way to explaining why she hasn't had a hit in a long, long time...

Funny "First Dance" videos

Bit of a phenomenon in the U.S. this. I like these ones:

This one because of the kids


Not certain this young lady's parents would have been over the moon to learn that their "baby's got back", but it is quite funny!


Personally, I think this was just an excuse for the bride to get her kit off, there was really no need for her leotard to be THAT small... More importantly though, how on earth did she get her brothers to agree to do it?!!



The start of this one interesting as it looks like the bride's just finished giving her husband a lap dance. Despite that she looks embarrassed to be dancing with her Dad??? Anyway, Dad totally steals the show!! I don't know anyone's Dad who can dance like this - Go Dad, go Dad!


This pair are just showing off...!

11/11/2010

The last episode of an Idiot abroad tonight, I am beside myself :-(

I can’t believe it’s over :-(

In fact the only thing that stopping me from falling into a deep depression is rejoicing the end of “The Only Way is Essex”…

Karl’s succinct assessment of his experience was: “Most of the world is grim...Louis Armstrong did that What a Wonderful World song.  I don’t know what 'ee’s going on about. If Louis had seen what I’d seen, he wouldn’t have brought that out”

Karl was constantly harping on about his best ever holiday, which was on a campsite in Wales, with his family as a child. (Despite the fact that “lots of injuries happened ‘ere actually” ). Reminiscing about his holiday, he revealed that he had dreamed of joining the Hell’s Angels. “This might not be true…but my Mum told me that to be an ‘ells Angel, you ‘ad to shit in your pants and keep them on for a week...Me Dad said me Aunty Nora could have joined then”! Ricky and Karl arranged for him to go back and it wasn’t as great as he had remembered. In fact, he decided at the end of the day it had “been a bit rubbish” He wondered if he felt like that because he had travelled the world and so had lost his taste for the simple things. He pondered on whether when his girlfriend books a holiday, “Will I go: ‘Never mind, forget ‘aving a swim in the pool, where’s the local tribe?” 

Boxing Day? Thank God it's over.... for now

It was the final episode of the only way is Essex tonight, I am finally free!! Unfortunately only until Christmas though, if the veiled threat at the end of the episode is to be believed... So as a special treat the boredom went on for a whole, interminable, hour instead of the usual 30mins. It seemed a lot longer to me...


It was the big boxing match tonight, Arg (we like Arg) was compering and secretly wearing his "Team Mark" T-Shirt under his tux. He let Mark know that "win or lose, you'll always be a winner to me". Bless!!


Mark (who we don't like), inspired by Muhammad Ali's catchphrase "Float like a Butterfly, sting like a Bee' came up with his own memorable catchphrase: "Kirk's gonna 'ave a fight with a one Mark right. But 'e's got not chance ..." no idea what the rest of it was, I lost interest. It wasn't so much a catchphrase as a novella - I can't see it catching on. To be honest of it wasn't for the gorgeous Nanny Pat (who had a makeover tonight despite being the only woman on the show who doesn't need one), I'd have been rooting for him to lose for the catchphrase alone...

If I was an Apple pie, the Apples inside would be Orange....

The Germinator? I had no words, or so I thought.... until the actress appeared in the Octopus costume... Worse than Pants Man? You decide...

In the opening credits, Ludallen says "We're in tough economic times and in this climate, you need to stand out from the crowd". The 10 numptys (numpties?) that were left this week do stand out, but for all the wrong reasons....

Very early side note: For 2 weeks in a row Mini Pot has been up, dressed and fully made up, no matter what time they get called. Does this woman ever sleep? I'm beginning to wonder if she's some sort of a vampire. In fact, have we ever seen her outside during daylight? Scrap that, if the Twilight novels are to be believed, (and let's face it, despite the very, very wet Bella and Edward featuring prominently in them, we do believe), THEY CAN ACTUALLY SURVIVE DURING DAYLIGHT....

Anyway, back to the point - This week was everyone's favourite task, the Advertising task. The one the candidates traditionally balls up basically, for our collective amusement. Thankfully, this week, the numptys (I'm going with that spelling of it) didn't disappoint :-)

09/11/2010

Another Random Post

I'm not a cynical as I thought, I like this...

08/11/2010

Urgent Recall re X Factor

Yesterday, I believe I said something along the lines of Matt the Hat having put on a great performance and that he should win etc. Well I caught a bit of the repeat on Sunday and realised that he wasn't THAT great after all. He was OK, but there was a lot more high pitched screeching than I had remembered. Perhaps my standards were just so much lower having heard the contestants prior to him? In retrospect, I think I may have been busy staunching the bleeding from my ears post Aiden's performance and thus didn't feel the full effect of Matt’s. So basically, Wagner or better still Beat Boxing Bing to win X Factor.

Simon proved that at 50, he really is losing touch with what young people want to hear, voting for the person he thought people would really want to see again next week -  Katie the Transvestite??? If we really wanted to see her Simon, she wouldn't consistently be in the bottom 2. Every. Single. Week. Simon???  Mind you, what do I know? I think Cher and Aiden should be locked up and banned from singing in public once they are deemed to be safe to re-enter society.  Despite this, people keep voting for them. Who are these people??? The same ones that keep buying Cheryl's records presumably....

06/11/2010

"Elvis is back with a moustache and a funny foreign accent” Wagner to win, just because of that comment!

American Anthems...we knew it would be awful, we also knew there would be a marked absence of American Anthems, the contestants didn't disappoint...

Girls
Daddy Snow was back tonight – it’s official, she definitely can’t sing. On the upside, she grimaced a lot less than usual, but she more than made up for it by holding one of dancers (who failed to fondle themselves) in a headlock. Guess what? The judges loved it…..

I  never thought I'd say this, but Katie the Transvestite should stick to singing songs from Disney cartoons...Simon loved the staging and the look (Leather clad transvestite, that's Simon's thing is it? She couldn't walk in those shoes either). But what about the singing Simon? It was worse than awful – At one point she sang the line “with my head in my hand, I sit and cry…” I do that every time she appears on screen.

Karl's last location - Peru

I can't believe it's almost over. I am going to have to work out where I get my Karl fix going forward. I've read the book now, so can't get it that way - I may have to watch it all over again.

So Karl was in Peru, going to see Machu Picchu, his final 'wonder'.  His main concern was how he was going to g to the toilet, given his experiences in the other countries. So he made a toilet out of a deck chair!!! It had a hole in the seat, reinforced by strips of tape and "I'll put me toilet roll in the drinks 'older"!

His view on the Pilot of the small aircraft he was on for an internal flight within Peru: "I think that's why they have doors on planes, it's nothing to do with security. It's so you can't see the div who's driving it. "

Nothing to do with Reality TV, but I love it

04/11/2010

I can't explain why I am still watching....

I did actually watch the only way is Essex last night, but frankly, I'm not sure what it was about.... It was definitely boring though.

Facts I did glean: Kirk met a female DJ - Lauren Pope who sort of asked him out. Sam "co-incidentally" happened to be passing by and witnessed the whole thing. Sam told Amy, Amy confronted Kirk. They are now officially over (and inexplicably, the world continues to turn). I don't think anyone was 'Jel', though I can't be sure.

Arg and Lyd are definitely back on. Lyd didn't look as orange as she has in the past. 

Amy isn't very good at Geography (or Art as she indicated while bejazzling Sam's va-jay-jay in an earlier episode). "What's the capital of India? Is it France? ....Seriously, I haven't got a clue about Geography". I wonder if she's aware that there are cameras pointed at her?

Mark's sister dumped him as her manager and apparently her group "Lola" will have a single out this Sunday. (You've been warned, steer clear of the radio this weekend). He took it quite well, actually seemed pleased for her. Perhaps he's not as obnoxious as I thought...

The one who isn't Large Lauren is actually called Lucy. She was still very, very orange.

Facts I was unable to glean: What's happened to Deuces?

Why am I still watching this drivel?

Come back Lookey-Likey all is forgiven (well not all... some, some is forgiven)

This season seems to be becoming more boring and the candidates more lack lustre by the week. I found myself longing for Lookey-Likey to sneak back and karmically retribute someone just to spice things up :-(

So this week Ludallen had them selling young clothes designers ware in the Trafford Centre in Manchester. The teams were led by Liz and Paloma and at first glance, the episode showed a lot of promise. The possibility that our collective wish for the demise of Potty Paloma might be granted; potential for the girls to squabble; potential for the candidates to get their selection hideously wrong; comedy sales techniques etc. Unfortunately, very little of that materialised and frankly the episode was seriously un-entertaining as a result. I was half tempted to switch off and just make some stuff up, but in the pursuit of journalistic integrity (is there such a concept?) I battled on.

 
Paloma felt blessed to have Alex (the unemployed communications director) on her team not just because he is a "retail guru", apparently taught by "...a famous professor of retail" (Homework: Name one "famous" professor of retail??? Is there such a thing? How do you qualify as one? Shop a lot? In which case, several of my friends and I are at the very least MBA's in retail. I personally am on the brink of my "Professorship" in Tiffany's and Links, but I digress)....She was rapturous about the fact that Alex had once lived in Manchester. This was obviously vitally important, as the people of Manchester are all really aliens from the planet Zog and their taste in clothes are thus very, very different from the rest of the UK. Having someone on her team with local knowledge was going to give her the edge.

02/11/2010

We, (well actually David), have found a reality show that's WORSE than "The only way is Essex"!

"Trust me, I'm a beauty Therapist".  It appears to have been aired on Channel Five (which is probably why we've never heard of it) in 2006 or 2007.  Various Z list celebs were being taught how to be Beauty Therapists. The "celebs" included: Suzi Quatro (Oh how the mighty have fallen); Danny from the X factor "the groups" show that Suzanne Day and the one who's in Corrie now, were in; Stan Boardman (think that's his name);  plus a bloke who I think was in Grange Hill. Despite potentially memorable lines such as:
"I take beauty therapy very seriously...it's a profession"
"Oscar is being tested on his Chocolate wrap.. .Last time he tried this therapy, they had a blazing row" 
and the priceless
"...You did some fantastic work over the buttock area.."
...it was  truly awful. Clips on YouTube if you can't find any pins to stick in your eyes....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWG7fg0NQtw

01/11/2010

How did it come to this?

I was forced, on pain of death, to watch Sunday's Episode  of "The Only Way is Essex", by a friend who started watching because of this blog.  Bearing in mind the friend in question actually hails from Essex, you'd think she'd be encouraging me NOT to watch. This show is doing nothing, absolutely nothing, good for the reputation of the county.....

Arg & Lyd
So Deuces (Mark's Bar) had it's grand opening and almost instantaneous closing this week.  There was a Halloween themed party to celebrate, which gave the producers the opportunity to start the episode with Arg trying on a Wedding dress (a potential Halloween costume). Arg may be simple, but he's not that simple, he refused to wear it. He made up with Lyd who, in order to ensure the storyline the producers were after materialised, was the only person Mark could get to work the bar that evening.  It worked, Arg and Lyd,  had a heart to heart and made up. (Lyd, was no where near as Orange as last week - thankfully, as my jet lagged eyes were far too tired for a repeat of last weeks riot of colour). In other good news... Kirk and Amy made up, I think. Amy had a modelling test shoot with her top off, to capture male viewers. Mark's sister's group are going to be made famous in the next two weeks by new management that they ditched Mark for. Mark's opening night went well, Kirk's assessment being: "the effort he put in was good, but I think it's a bit of a shit'ole". Mmmm, perhaps the purported research trip to Essex should bypass Deuces...  

In an effort to present a balanced view of Essex life.... there was quite a bit of bad news too. Mark realised he still loves Large Lauren. Nanny Pat wisely informed him that he can't have two girlfriends. He wisely went with the one that isn't Large Lauren. Sam tried to sabotage Mark's relationship with the one that isn't Large Lauren, Arg "The Date Doctor" Argent salvaged it (we like Arg). Sadly, in a freak accident (staged by the producers possibly? Or someone else who thinks the bar is "a bit of a shit'ole"?) half of Deuces burned down.  That was it really, nothing else exciting happened. The trailer for Wednesday's episode didn't tantalise. Please don't make me watch it again :-)

Was away this weekend..

...In the city that never sleeps  (knackered now...) anyway, I sky plussed lots of TV and post a rather long nap to get over the jet lag, had a bit of a catch up session. Nothing I saw was pleasant, what a dire weekend of TV. I'm almost sorry I bothered to watch it now.  As an aside, I watched a really good Argentinean film on the plane which I thoroughly recommend to those of you who are as fed up with the X factor as I am….  “The Secret in Their Eyes”, check it out http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/filmreviews/7941375/The-Secret-in-Their-Eyes-review.html 

Speaking of the X factor…. The producers couldn’t have picked a better title for this week’s episode than “Fright Night” given the horrific performances on offer. When Simon said, at the top of the episode, “This is going to be a bizarre night...embrace the madness” he wasn’t joking. The majority of the songs appeared to have little to do with Halloween (if you ignore the fact that the performances of them were very, very scary). I couldn’t wait for it to be over.