OK glass of wine at the ready and travel diaries of Karl Pilkington (An Idiot Abroad - did I mention that I LOVE that show?!) within reach in case it was really boring: I am ready for the X factor and we started of with the Boys.
Page (I refuse to spell it like he does...) – What's the theme on X Factor tonight? Is it "messing around with a perfectly good song aka 'making it your own"? Page is a good singer, but why do that to classic Chaka Khan? Why not just leave well alone? I agree with Simon, what was he wearing? At least he wasn’t wearing all of the 1980’s like he was in the first week – this week the jacket and t-shirt were hideous….. I know its a singing contest and he is a very good singer (blah, blah), but really, someone needs to tell him that the 80's were not considered to be a good decade for fashion and he needs to stop wearing them. I had all my glassware in sound proofed cupboards in case Matt decided to treat us to a repeat of the blood curdling scream he passed off as a high C last week. Luckily there was no need to worry this week, he did however sing Brittany. I didn’t hate it, but is he good? Everyone keeps saying he is, I can’t tell. The judges liked it, but I suspect they’re just saying that because Simon has signed a contract condemning us to this hell until 2013 – they have to drum up interest in the show somehow. Dermott confirmed that I wasn’t the only one thinking of Darius’s hideous boot camp rendition of that song…. Aiden murdered ‘Diamonds are Forever. He was dressed in a tux, but he still managed to look a bit like he has recently escaped from Broadmoor….
Rebecca – Is Cheryl in charge of styling here?? She is completely ruining her. Dani’s summary of the outfit was spot on – awful, she looked like someone’s Nan (not my Nan, she wouldn't dream of appearing in public looking like that). In the past 3 weeks she has gone from classic Audrey Hepurn"esq", to some hideous parody of Jessica Rabbit after she had fallen into a vat of red food colouring. (The same one Cheryl has dipped her head into clearly…) Good thing she can sing - marvellous performance. Daddy Snow’s grimacing is becoming more scary by the week. She has to be given some credit though, she managed to murder two songs this week instead of one. Naturally, the judges loved her 'attitude', no one mentioned the fact that she is ‘current’, but you know they were all thinking it… Looks like Cheryl dipped her in the vat of food colouring too – what was that wig in aid of? I’m not sure I understand – though to be fair it went well with the street sweeper outfit she was wearing… Tracey: Its one thing having an amazing voice, its another thing putting on an amazing performance which is what Tracey has to do this week,” Really? Why? Cheryl never does and she still seems to be selling records. So in response, Tracey comes out looking like a shorter, fatter and less attractive version of Rupaul and still ends up standing in one spot singing. She should have just left well alone – she can sing, no need for the theatricals (it worked for Leona). Sadly, Tracey didn’t escape the vat of red food colouring either…” Katie the Transvestite managed to avoid the curse of the red food colouring, but she sang a song from “The Jungle Book”???? Predictably the judges loved it? I don’t say this often, but I feel it is justified tonight, WTF?
John – I love John, but stupid song, he did it too slowly and more importantly the hair??? Did the vocal coach from last week do it for him? (What was going on this week btw? I was hoping for a return of the vocal coach's “blond page boy” or maybe one of those hats with fake dreads attached this week – nothing. Just completely normal. Pants) his hair, he looked ridiculous. Mary: Love her, but am getting a bit tired of the Shirley Bassey routine….. Wagner: “And now for something completely different” said Louis and I did feel like I had stumbled, inadvertently, upon a Monty Python sketch, when Wagner started to ‘sing’ a Spice Girls number? Deep, deep sigh… "There was a lot of guilty going on up there, I don’t know if there was a lot of pleasure for me…” (Oh my God, I actually agree with a person with orange skin and enough hair extensions to carpet Buckingham Palace - Cheryl Cole). The Dancers manhandled their puppies again tonight – I am seriously toying with contacting Ofcom…
One Direction are actually rather good. The one who always sings first has a good voice, the one who refused to dance at boot camp (Zain? Quite rightly too as he moves like he has Parkinson’s disease) needs to go. Belle Amie: Cannily decided to go for a Girls aloud song to capture the Cole and Walsh vote. They didn’t do a bad job, better than Girls Aloud, but that’s not hard. Didn’t work though, Judges (apart from Cheryl) weren’t impressed..
On a separate note, I hear Cheryl will be lip synching to her latest masterpiece tomorrow night – I know she’s a judge on the show, but why do we have to be put through that torture every time she puts out another one?? Dani at least has the good sense to keep her pipes to herself.
What is going on with Brian and the dancers – Simon” I Remember watching a news reporter and behind him two dogs were mating…it was very distracting...” I totally agree, is Brian on heat? Why are the dancers always touching themselves up or simulating intercourse. He MUST be stopped… Finally, has anyone seen that Argos advert with Bing Crosby beat boxing? Beat boxing Bing to win X factor!!!