Who the hell is Grandma Twanky?

14 October 2010

I was genuinely looking forward to watching last night's episode of the Apprentice and to that end, was installed in front of the TV, (cup of tea to my right and snuggly fleecy/blanky thing on hand) by 8.45. Why so excited? (I hear you cry). I'll tell you why, because I could have sworn Srallen promised to get rid of Stuart the Brand this week. As usual with this show, I was to be cruelly disappointed. Episode 2 ended with Stuart the Brand still a contestant and the emergence/(almost instantaneous) demise of Grandma Twanky (Katie the Transvestite's Nan?) aka Joy. 

Where on earth did she spring from? I feel fairly certain I would have noticed that hideous visage had she appeared in Episode 1.... I looked her up on the official Apprentice website, she describes herself as a "keen traveller who lived in Peru and New York before the recession struck" I assumed she meant the "Great Depression" that preceded WWII, until I noticed that she was 31???? 31??? (And a few more "?????'s" for good measure). I can only assume that the website is carrying some serious inaccuracies and the "31" refers to the year she was born as opposed to her age??? (A theory supported by some of the other outrageous claims documented on there). Either that or she's had a terribly hard life, made worse by her cruel (and in my opinion, unfair) eviction last night.

The task this week (designing a new beach accessory) was always going to be difficult for this years crop of losers. True to form, they wasted no time in showing how disorganised and lacking in creativity they all are, by suggesting the most ridiculous set of products imaginable. The low point being the "massive hand that would put sun cream on your back", followed very, very closely by the "footglove" and "CUULIE". The latter, we will come back to later....
To "make up numbers", which in Srallen speak is code for "keep the boys in check", Stella was moved to the boys team. She immediately showed that she was the perfect replacement for Paul Pot by assuming the role of PM without (unless I missed it) asking anyone. Quickly announcing that she would brook not "disagreement" with anything she said, "I'm not going to put up with that". The boys, quite correctly, looked scared as mini Pot marched them out of terminal five in single file. (Is it me or did they look like a hideous parody of Snow White and the seven dwarves?) 

The girls were led by Laura who has in the past proved how wonderful she is by "bringing in half a million pounds of business" to her firm. She is on the show by virtue of that fact that she is a "great leader...can adapt to any personality" thrown at her and is "...incredibly good at managing people". She, as is generally the case with these people, took great pains throughout the episode to prove that she was none of the above. In a performance worthy of Veruca Salt or Violet Elizabeth (I swear I heard her say that if the others didn't give her just 5 minutes to speak (sob, whimper, sniffle) she would "scweam and scweam and scweam" until she made herself sick), she failed to make one sensible decision or lead/manage her team throughout the task. Instead, she chose to focus her energy on, screaming and shouting like a deranged fishwife, which to be fair, she executed perfectly. Her dire performance culminated in her losing her team what would surely have been a winning order. "You said you didn't believe this is the time to discuss exclusivity" said Sandeesh (who is annoyingly pretty and thus has to go). "What better time is there apart from when you are in front of the client?" (Breaking news: Life is not fair, not only is she pretty, but she MAY be the proud owner of this years brain cell...). So, despite displaying a complete lack of creativity, no business acumen and precious little intelligence,  SHE DIDN'T GO HOME. Is Srallen suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer's?? What was he thinking????? 

Its ironic that the best idea of the week was the "Bookeze" (am I losing it too? Is whatever Srallen has catching?). Had Veruca actually listened to Joanne (who is showing signs of becoming this year's Cassandra), they may have had time to produce a slicker prototype. Instead, she cut Cassandra off every time she tried to speak and joined the rest of the "ladies" behaving like a bunch of brainless, screaming harridans. Karen Brady, was moved to speak up in order to show that there are actually women in the world that have a brain, she just happened to be the only one on that show.....(Wait I am probably doing the receptionist a huge disservice, she has to be more intelligent than any of the female candidates). Side note: does anyone else think that the show is so much the poorer for the absence of the marvelous, no nonsense Margaret? She would have sorted those women out...

Lookey Likey is not going to escape this round up without comment. In her bid for the title of least intelligent/talented candidate this year, her pitching actually managed to get worse at each attempt. The low point being the following statements: "Building the item is really easy" cut to two of her team members grappling fruitlessly with it behind her. "I'm sure people come into your store and say: "have you got anything that I can rest my book on?"".  I can honestly say, I have never walked into Boots (or any other shop for that matter) and asked that question.  I hate to have to say this, because it definitely won't reflect well on me but... Her profile on the website said she moved from hairdressing to "something". I believe it may actually indicate what the "something" was, but I stopped reading after the word "hairdressing", safe in the knowledge that, that explained everything. (Apart from why she was wearing the lesbo combat trousers, with matching braces, at the top of the episode...) 

Sadly cute Jamie opened his mouth one too many times this episode (i.e. twice). The result was his plummeting from "pleasing eye candy" to "Forrest Gump" in two, very telling, sentences: "You've got to earn respect. People are starting to see, when I open my mouth, I have to say something". Said without a hint of irony...who will I perve over now for the next 10 weeks? :-(

Who indeed, certainly not Mr Ben (aka Alex) who felt that "cool, spelt c-u-u-l, but with those two dots that the Germans use over the "u"" would be a fantastic name for their product. Horrifyingly, no one else seemed to know what an Umlaut is either (though, upon reflection, I'm not sure why it surprised me..) Cut to their "field test" of the name, where they were met with blank stares and disapproval, but of course used it anyway...Srallen threw in a sneaky joke: was the use of the Umlaut (yes, he knew what it was) to "signify German connotations? What with them claiming towels first thing in the morning". Admittedly, it was far from his best (Oh how I longed for the "village idiot" type quips of last season) but I was so desperate for a decent Srallenism by that point that I laughed out loud :-(

Frankly, the boys were lucky they won. With: a product that they described as looking "stylish and cool", but as one of buyers correctly pointed out "just looks like a rolled up towel"; Chris the investment banker whose pitching was "rather dreary and monotone" (but he shouldn't take that negatively); and mini Pot sprawled half naked across the "CUULIE" in an outfit that the boys bought because "it wasn't too slutty", they really should have suffered the same fate as the girls. i.e. delivered on Srallens request to "do something special" and got zero sales. I can only assume Veruca, who was clearly sabotaging her own team, funded the order the boys received...

No quote of the week this week: Srallan (and his scriptwriters) couldn't be bothered to say anything rude/funny in the boardroom. It's clearly dawning on him, far earlier than usual, what a dire situation he's in. Basically, he WILL end up with a Moron no matter who wins.

High point of the whole thing? Cute Jamie's description of the "CUULIE" in one of the pitches: "The best way to describe it is a towel, with a pillowcase on top". Cut to the horrified face of the buyer who unsurprisingly declined to raise an order...

Did the right person go? Not really, Grandma Twanky may have been invisible for the last couple of weeks, but given how awful the rest of the girls were that should have earned her major brownie points. For one delicious moment, I thought Srallen would "do something special" and sack all 3 of them. "I'm not that delighted with all 3 of you" he said, but he was just toying with me, I was heartbroken when only Twanky went. Laura, possibly the worst PM in history, should have been in that cab tonight. I suspect (hope) Srallen may have her card marked.... Twanky meanwhile surely has a promising potential career in panto. What with the season about to begin, her firing is probably a blessing in disguise.


  1. keep it coming - truly hillarious!

  2. There's only one person for the job after Wednesday! Karren Brady!

    Looks like Srallan is going to mix up the dysfunctional girls! So maybe you'll get your wish, and Stuart the Brand will be off!

  3. LOL - Funny! So true though

  4. :) Watching next week now...