14/10/2010

OK, I finally got around to watching it...

12 October 2010

To be honest, it took a supreme amount of effort on my part to put pen to paper (or to be accurate, finger to keyboard) tonight. I was weak, all my energy having been sapped by the horror of what I had just witnessed. Yes, you've guessed it, I finally got around to watching last Wednesday's episode of the Apprentice....

Did these people really APPLY to be on the show? OR, as I suspect is really the case, did the producers scour the country searching for 16 of the most obnoxious, arrogant and at the same time ignorant people they could find? What I saw tonight indicated the latter... Car crash TV that this is, I will obviously be watching for the next 11 weeks (deep sigh...) I will make it my mission to determine whether there is a brain cell amongst them. I am not holding out much hope.... (Thankfully cute Jamie, the "property consultant" or in English, estate agent, will give me something to look at and ease the suffering).

Where to start? Many, many stupid things were said during the first episode, mainly by Stuart "the Brand". The highlight, potentially of the series (?), being: "Everything I touch turns to sold". Priceless! Bearing in mind he has loads of money, fast cars, a house in the country house (blah, blah, blah), what on earth is he doing on the show??? Not to be outdone: Chris the investment banker insisted that he is "...supremely intelligent in business, I am a very charismatic individual". Okaaaaayyyyyy...

One of the investment banking girls described herself as young and agile. Useful characteristics if you're a gymnast or planning to sleep your way to the top. Not sure how that will help on this show, but you never know.. .Then there was the surgeon bloke "my first word wasn't Mummy, it was money". He is going to regret that big time on his "You've been fired" show.

As usual, it was a seemingly simple task. Buy some meat and make some sausages. My 10 year old niece and her mates could have managed it, without incident, the candidates on the other hand... Alex, the unemployed head of communications (i.e. Jobless bloke) immediately jumped in to show us why he considers himself to be a "unique blend of creativity and commercial nouce"(sp?). Off of the top of his head he came up with the jaunty slogan for their marketing campaign, "Britain's best sausages". The deafening silence that elicited from the boys indicated that they were just as inspired as I was by that.... He quickly followed that up with other marketing gems: "boozy bangers" (to alienate everyone but boozers as cute Jamie wisely pointed out): "fruity bangers" to capture the gay market? Nothing he said for pretty much the entire episode redeemed him. Somehow, I don't see a job with Amstrad in his future...(Wait, Amstrad was the company that tanked wasn't it? Perhaps he has a future there after all...).

Meanwhile the women were busy showing how difficult it is to come up with a name. How many series of the Apprentice have there been? Surely you bring a few options in with you? Melissa, the irritating and considerably less funny Jenny Eclair looky-likey came up with the catchy "winning women"? "But what happens when the boys get brought into the team?" one of the others asked. "Oh yessss, I hadn't thought about that". Looky-likey's card was marked for me at that point... Eventually they settled on Appollo, because (said the girl who had obviously done her homework in advance) "even though I've only known you all for 2 minutes, I can already tell that failure is not an option for you all". She's a mind reader, a skill that's bound to come in handy in later episodes.

Dan, ("First impressions? Knob") rather unwisely chose to be project manager. Even more unwisely than that, he chose to do it in the style of Paul Pot or Idi Amin. "I'll lead the team, you'll do all the work". Even though no one objected, I had a sneaky suspicion the rest of the team were unhappy with that approach.
Looky-likey definitely didn't want to be project manager for her team, but proceeded to undermine Joanne throughout the entire task. She HAS to go....

The boys, who as it turns out weren't actually managed by Paul Pot, just terrorised, were a shambles. (One of them practically burst into tears in the boardroom describing his ordeal. Awww, bless, he won't last long). Strangely, no one volunteered when Paul Pot bellowed out the immortal line "Who's going to do the mincing?" (Possibly the high point of the episode for me!). As cute Jamie pointed out "it's embarrassing now". Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, get used to it, you have many more weeks of embarrassment to come.

Stuart "the brand" insulted his way through a minimal number of sales. "I sold more than anyone else on the day". "No you didn't" said Srallan, "You sold 14". "Oh...well it seemed like a lot more than that".

The board room was a bit blah. The boys, as Srallen put it "were arguing like a bunch of old washer woman". The high point of the whole eviction process was in the cafe. Paul Pot: 'Does anyone see any obvious problems throughout the day?" Chris the investment banker: "Well strategy for the day, we didn't really have one"!!

Stuart the brand didn't bother to pack a single thing "its, going to be a completely empty case as I'm not going home today". How I wished Srallen had sacked two people in that episode.... Instead Stuart was allowed to stay, because he's "completely unique, 21 and the success I've achieved so far means I am not run of the mill". Or perhaps because he promised to deliver Srallen's £100k ten times over or give him his money back. Quote of the week arrived just when was beginning to believe Srallen was losing his touch - he responded with: "I had an offer like that from Nigeria once. They didn't deliver either"!!! At that point, I remembered why I love this show!!!

Did the right person go? Most definitely. I am only sorry Srallen didn't go with his gut and fire Stuart the brand too. On a happier note, Srallen did say he found him quite irritating (we all concur) and that he "ain't puttin' up with 'im for much longer". Really?! In that case, roll on next week!

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