Srallen is back!!! We were treated to an episode chock full of some quite good Srallenism. Admittedly, his opening line about “turning flour into serious dough” will never sit in the classic Srallenism box, but it was the start of good things to come last night!! He decided to mix the team up a bit last night, as all he’d “seen for the past few weeks is arguing and bickering”, despite that, last night was no exception.
Cute Jamie decided that as the task required “a huge amount of organisation skills with no mucking around and I’ve got all of that in abundance” he was the man for the job of PM. No one else agreed and they put Lookey-Likey in charge. To be fair to them, they didn’t have the benefit of observing her performance the prior two weeks and she did claim to have run a food distribution company. A claim that was to come into question as the show progressed. Shibby the Surgeon volunteered himself claiming to be “passionate” and “happy to smack your bums if I have to”. Inexplicably, the rest of the team agreed to let him lead….
Lookey-Likey decided not to waste anytime and immediately began to demonstrate why she was supremely unqualified for the job of PM. By 10am, the team still hadn’t decided what they were going to make. When challenged by Cute Jamie to make decision, on the grounds that “you’re the expert here” (he clearly hadn’t worked with her for the last 2 weeks….), her response was a very succinct: “In my experience, people buy…it’s difficult to say”. So basically, she didn’t have clue...no surprise there then.
Shibby the surgeon despite being “a business virgin” (another sound bite for his you’ve been fired show?) was a bit more decisive, settling on “2 chocolaty things and 2 best selling things”. The rest of the team seemed to think this was a great idea.
Lookey-Likey decided to pitch. Why? Wasn’t she embarrassed enough by her hideous performance last week. (Example: talking about the Bookeze, “I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before?” “No”, said the bemused buyer she was pitching to “I have never seen anything quite like that….”). Getting straight to the point, she demanded to know what the first buyers wanted to order. “Bread rolls, we use a thousand bread rolls at breakfast. We’d like to know what you can do”. Lookey-Likey: “We can do many things…” Yes but can you do a thousand bread rolls moron? Hideously under prepared as ever, she arrived with no idea of costings. (Again, I have to ask, have these people never watched the show before? Arriving WITH a cost price is Apprentice 101). After 5 awkward minutes of trying to turn the calculator on, even the customer couldn’t bear it any longer and sent her out to get her act together. 15 minute later, the very angry “Managing Director had to send out a search party” (Srallanism). Oddly, her pitch of £1.82 per unit resulted in zero orders - what could possibly have been going through her head when she decided that sounded like a sensible price for ONE BREAD ROLL? Perhaps it was going to be a singing bread roll? Or possibly, it would have made your tea and served the rest of your breakfast up for you……? After all, her team “can do many things…”
Meanwhile Shibby the Surgeon’s team went in with a more realistic 6p per unit and had developed their product ideas from “2 chocolaty things and 2 best selling things” to a very sensible muffin/bread combo. In typical Apprentice fashion, they couldn’t just leave well alone. Paloma, managed a marvellous bit of up-selling, which really would have been brilliant had her team actually been in a position to make what she sold. Deep, deep sigh…. To be fair to Paloma, somebody had to manage the pitching as Shibby the Surgeon was, as per Karen Brady, “acting like a sulky boy”. Based on the absolute chaos in their bakery (it looked like several large animals had been butchered in there), it didn’t come as a major surprise when they only delivered 16 bread rolls to the bemused chef! “What can I say to the customers?” he said. “Tell them to go on the Atkins diet” Shibby quipped. The Chef, unsurprisingly, was unamused.. He did, however, have the last laugh when Shibby PAID HIM £130 compensation? Why?! What?! How?! (Keep going in a similar vein for as long as you like, it wont be long enough…) “I’ve made a profit on an order I haven’t got” said the Chef in disgust. “What a way to run a business, it’s amazing”. Any glimmer of hope that Shibby the Surgeon may have had of escaping elimination vanished at that point….
Stuart the Brand who, for reasons that I don’t quite understand, behaved himself throughout the entire episode, ‘..found his forte running a market stall”. (OK he did say “If I was going to pitch, we’d definitely get the sales. I‘m an amazing salesman and an amazing pitcher”. Given the level of arrogance displayed by all of the candidates, that comment didn’t particularly single him out). He zoomed up in my estimation by belly dancing, very badly with a snake wrapped around him. (Vignette for his you’ve been fired episode? “Everything I touch turns to sold” is out there though….) We learned that Alex managed to get 11 A* at GCSE, including one in maths – despite that he’s still unemployed.
Lookey-Likey got very, very lucky tonight, saved by Shibby the Surgeon’s supreme incompetence. Despite a performance summed up by Srallen as “Bad pitch, no pricing, dunno what you’re doing” her team still won. Cue the Srallanisms: “Dr Doolittle or Did-a-lot” (Srallenism. OK not great either, but work with him people!); “You’ve heard of Bread winner, I’m looking at 6 Bread losers”?!!; “You delivered him 16 rolls out of a 1,000. Reminiscent of feeding the 5,000….Where were the 2 fish?”!!! “After a thorough examination, I have got some bad news for you”! He’s working his way back to the “village idiot” classics of old, give it a couple more episodes.
On a separate note, what’s going on with Nick? I haven’t seen one classic “Nick face” yet and we are into episode three. Also, I am thinking of trialling a new moniker for Srallen, given his elevated status, “Ludallen” – thoughts?
Next week, the candidates have to come up with a “crazy idea”, they are bound to excel!