Lookey-Likey's Left! Perhaps there is a God!!!!

Cute Jamie (who shall henceforth be referred to as Forrest Gump) kicked of the episode with possibly one of the most insightful comments we were going to hear throughout the hour that followed: “It’s a science museum. It’s either going to be something to do with science or…museums?” Oddly, it was neither of those things. The candidate were expected to select products to sell to trade buyers and in a completely unexpected move, did manage to select some reasonably sensible items. Side note: £24 for a baby grow??? I know it might save the babies life but (a) wouldn’t you have to stand over the child all night waiting for the colour to change anyway, thus defeating the object? (b) You’d be hand washing it every morning – as you’d only be able to afford one – and would leave the baby orphaned when you died from exhaustion. Personally, I wanted them to pick the Darth Vader helmet that reduced fine lines.  I am mourning the lost comedy moments that would have ensued as they tried to pitch that! It would also have come in quite handy for Lookey-Likey when she morphed into the Sith Lord at the end of the episode.  I digress, let’s return to Forrest…..

Apparently even though he professed to wanting the (£24) baby grow, particularly as there were ‘5 children in his team’ (Freudian slip in the boardroom) and they would be perfect to sell it, that wasn't actually the plan.  They didn't REALLY want it??? Forrest pointed out that even though they ‘didn’t get the baby grow…every move” he makes in his life “when it comes to business, is calculated”. Really? It wasn’t just that your team failed to impress the manufacturer? I am confused, what WAS the plan? Stuart the Brand, reverted to type and annoyed the manufacture with his interesting take on his potential pitch “if the baby reaches 39 – 40 degrees presumably it would be dead?”. Not sure mentioning dead babies whilst trying to sell a baby product would inspire confidence in potential clients, but what do I know? I bow to the superior selling skills of someone who can turn everything to "sold" by merely touching. Wait how much did he sell? Queue the fake calculator…that would be...nothing.

Lookey-Likey continued in the same vein as previous weeks and rammed her very, badly constructed pitches down the throats of various bemused buyers.  ‘We don’t sell showers” said the buyer from Debenhams. Despite that, Lookely-Likey felt people would “appreciate it” and it would “fit in  somewhere”. In the department that they would have to create to house it possibly? Yes, but “If you were ever looking to launch yourself into this market” it would be great, she insisted. “We’re not.” Snarled the visibly annoyed buyer – We felt your pain mate, she was p*ssing us all off too…


I have been instructed to start watching "The Spin Crowd"

It's part of my Daughter's Sunday night "must see TV" viewing schedule, as a result I have been avoiding it like the plague.  A friend of mine insists it's great, I have my misgivings as his taste in Reality TV seems to coincide with my daughter's (both of them have gone off "Girls of the Playboy Mansion" since Kendra et al left. I don't even want to begin to go there.......) For those of you who are interested in sharing my pain, apparently, it's produced by Kim  Kardashian (cue the noise they make on Family Fortunes when a contestant gets a question wrong) and is about a bunch of people who work in a Hollywood PR firm. I'm hating it already and I haven't even seen it yet...


Bit of a problem... It clashes with "The Only Way is Essex", what to watch?????


The Only Way is Essex - Has my Brain been bejazzelled?

I don't quite understand why I am doing it, but I keep watching this dreadful show. I can only assume I am being compelled by a dangerous malfunction in the part of my brain that controls common sense and reason - the same one that caused me to enjoy the group song at the beginning of the X Factor tonight possibly? On the upside, I was painfully aware throughout that "The Only Way is Essex" is probably one of the worst "reality" shows ever made. Phew, the malfunction hasn't yet become life threatening....

The orange women were in abundance (could the women be any more orange? I didn't even realise that shade of orange actually existed). Everyone (apart from Mark's Nan, who I still think needs her own show) had far too few clothes on. Arg's ex-girlfriend "Lyd" who looked like a 40 year old tangerine, indicated (some may say luckily for him..) that she wasn't interested in a reconciliation. Moving completely off of script, Mean Mark was actually nice to him??? In fact, Mark's behaviour throughout the entire episode was rather strange: He didn't argue with Large Lauren when she demanded proof that his new girlfriend was old enough to be in a club; He hardly mentioned how wonderful HE thinks he is throughout the entire episode; He comforted Arg in his hour of need (though personally, I thought the hugging and kissing was taking it one step too far). I suspect he's been reading his own reviews and wisely decided to tone it down a notch..or twenty.

Kirk's (aka Dr. Jekyll) Mum who must be 50 if she's a day, is considering being bejazzelled (Jesus wept). Dr. Jekyll who initially seemed nice, is shaping up to be a misogynist lunatic. In my humble opinion, choosing an aspiring underwear model as your girlfriend seems far from sensible for someone of that ilk, but what do I know? It would certainly make the whole thing more entertaining if, as I suspect is not beyond the realms of possibility given his behaviour tonight, he chains Amy to the kitchen sink in her underwear (so he can ogle her bejazzelling) and refuses to let her top up the fake tan. No such luck I fear, next episode will be more of the same inane banter, uninteresting relationship issues, more talk of Essex fashion week (they should just stop now, no-one is going to go) and an awful lot of fake tan. I also fear that I'll be watching....

X Factor the Results - this show is just stupid.

It's official, I am now old - I know this because I found myself enjoying the group song at the top of the X Factor (not sure whether  Cee-Lo would have felt the same but....his original version is (if you're interested) on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSSec0wbBs4). I thought everyone, except Wagner (yes even Katie the transvestite & Cher) sounded really good!  Micheal Bublé was sublime as always, Cheryl came as a 19th century hooker and lipped synched her way through her, very boring, new song. Then the real madness began...

Cher, Aiden, Wagner and Katie all through?? Deep, deep, deep, deep sigh. That meant that the person who would eventually leaving would definitely be someone who could sing. That someone would either be John or Tracey, two of the best vocalists in the competition. To be honest I was tempted to root for Tracy to go because of the way she spells her name ('TreyC') but I realised that would be shallow. So John got the boot, probably, let's be honest, because of the new hairdo.  Neither of them should have been in the bottom two - bring back John and Beat Boxing Bing (the Advert was noticeable by it's omission in the ad breaks. Do you think the Producers realised he is more exciting that any of the acts and pulled it?) -  and get rid of Cheryl (and the stylists) - this show is just stupid.

I couldn't resist it - started reading Karl's diary.

Excerpts from the  chapter on Brazil and Christ the Redeemer:
'Fear no anticlimax: climbing the statue is a stunning experience by day and nothing short of miraculous by night.' The Rough Guide to Brazil
'I think the other reason that makes Christ the Redeemer one of the Wonders is the setting.  I'm pretty sure if it was plonked on a roundabout in Stretford, it wouldn't get a look in". Karl Pilkington
Whilst in a helicopter flying around the statue: "I felt I had to say how good Jesus looked. Let's face it, while I'm whizzing round his head in a helicopter at high speed, he's the last person I want to slag off".

On a street party he attended and didn't enjoy: 'I would normally avoid things like this. I remember not enjoying the Queen's Jubilee street party when I was a kid. Scruffy Sandra ate loads of the trifle me mam had made and didn't bring anything to the party. This block party was worse. There was no trifle whatsoever'.

On lunch in a favela: "We went to a local cafe: The food was really, really tasty, but then I guess if your customers are coming in  with grenades, machine guns and rocket launchers you wouldn't want to serve them mush."

"It was grim. I sat on the dirty toilet and saw myself in the mirror.....There I was, wearing the Andy Pandy outfit and a stupid gormless hat. " (he was in a carnival costume) " How did it come to this?"

Excerpt from the chapter on India:

"When I was getting ready for my trip to India today, Luke the producer gave me a pack of 28 adult nappies. Not the usual going away gift is it?"

On the fact that everyone mentions "Dehli Belly" when talking of India:  "It must be a great place to open a restaurant. There's no comeback if a customer gets the sh@ts from eating your food - except, well,  'welcome to India'. It's as it is on the menu: starter, main course, pudding, coffee and then the sh@ts".

Bliss!! Where has this man been hiding? How can he have gotten to his mid thirties and remained undiscovered until now?  He seriously is the funniest person in the world, albeit unintentionally! (That said, I am not convinced he is an idiot. I think at some point in the future, we may discover he's pulled a fast one on us... Whatever, he's still funny!) I was listening to a Karl Pilkington Podcast on the train on the way into work on Friday (yes, it's official I am obsessed with this show) and he said he wouldn't do another series. Please tell me that's not true!!!! The nation needs this man and his musings to keep us all happy. I am going to start up a campaign to keep Karl Pilkington on our screens (as well as the  "Grime week on X Factor" campaign - I have just  watched the Xtra Factor and found out that Connie stole my idea,  mentioned it on Facebook last night. It's still a great one though - who wouldn't love to see Mary/Wagner performing Tiny Tempah's "Pass Out"??!!) Who's with me?!!

Wagner and Mary?

Tiny Tempah and the Bloke that sings on the track (What? I am far too old to remember everyone's names)?


X Factor - Beat boxing Bing to win!

OK glass of wine at the ready and  travel diaries of Karl Pilkington (An Idiot Abroad - did I mention that I LOVE that show?!) within reach in case it was really boring: I am ready for the X factor and we started of with the Boys

Page (I refuse to spell it like he does...) – What's the theme on X Factor tonight? Is it "messing around with a perfectly good song aka 'making it your own"? Page is a good singer, but why do that to classic Chaka Khan? Why not just leave well alone?  I agree with Simon, what was he wearing? At least he wasn’t wearing all of the 1980’s like he was in the first week – this week the jacket and t-shirt were hideous….. I know its a singing contest and he is a very good singer (blah, blah), but really, someone needs to tell him that the 80's were not considered to be a good decade for fashion and he needs to stop wearing them. I had all my glassware in sound proofed cupboards in case Matt decided to treat us to a repeat of the blood curdling scream he passed off as a high C last week. Luckily there was no need to worry this week, he did however sing Brittany. I didn’t hate it, but is he good? Everyone keeps saying he is, I can’t tell.  The judges liked it, but I suspect they’re just saying that because Simon has signed a contract condemning us to this hell until 2013 – they have to drum up interest in the show somehow. Dermott confirmed that I wasn’t the only one thinking of Darius’s hideous boot camp rendition of that song…. Aiden murdered ‘Diamonds are Forever. He was dressed in a tux, but he still managed to look a bit like he has recently escaped from Broadmoor….


Karl did not disappoint!

Karl was sent to Egypt, to see the pyramids and the hilarity ensued. I don't know what I am going to do when this show is over. (Get a life possibly? Not while The Apprentice is still on!) At the top of the episode Karl was packing all of his travel essentials: toilet roll; Jaffa Cakes; Twix(!!) What? No Monster Munch?!! 

Gervais, (who's presence is the only thing I dislike about this show...) deliberately booked him an awful room. Karl's view on his room: "Got another Mossie bite. It's well itchy that one. I think it's the same Mossie, it's in the room more than the cleaners"!

After running the gauntlet of vendors in an Egyptian street: "I'm not that hungry at the moment. I was back there, but I've sort of gone off of food a little bit".  "Can't use this road as a short cut. It can't be a short cut, 'cause you keep getting stopped every two seconds." An extremely old lady walks past him. "I bet she left the 'ouse when she was 10".  I am still laughing about that line!!

Whilst waiting for a surprise meal that a restaurateur was cooking for him: "I've never experimented that much with food. I didn't have Pasta until I was 21 or 22". Post the said meal: "Normally on a Monday night you know, I'll have a little bit of lamb that's left over from Sunday or something. And yet, you know, this Monday: c@ck and b@llocks; couple of eyes; bit of tongue for garnish. I never thought I'd be saying that". I love this guy! "I didn't say it was delicious, you put words in my mouth along with other things..."

The Apprentice - Lucky Lookey-Likey...

Srallen is back!!! We were treated to an episode chock full of some quite good Srallenism. Admittedly, his opening line about “turning flour into serious dough” will never sit in the classic Srallenism box, but it was the start of good things to come last night!!  He decided to mix the team up a bit last night, as all he’d “seen for the past few weeks is arguing and bickering”, despite that, last night was no exception.

Cute Jamie decided that as the task required “a huge amount of organisation skills with no mucking around and I’ve got all of that in abundance” he was the man for the job of PM. No one else agreed and they put Lookey-Likey in charge. To be fair to them, they didn’t have the benefit of observing her performance the prior two weeks and she did claim to have run a food distribution company. A claim that was to come into question as the show progressed. Shibby the Surgeon volunteered himself claiming to be “passionate” and “happy to smack your bums if I have to”. Inexplicably, the rest of the team agreed to let him lead….

Lookey-Likey decided not to waste anytime and immediately began to demonstrate why she was supremely unqualified for the job of PM. By 10am, the team still hadn’t decided what they were going to make. When challenged by Cute Jamie to make decision, on the grounds that “you’re the expert here” (he clearly hadn’t worked with her for the last 2 weeks….), her response was a very succinct: “In my experience, people buy…it’s difficult to say”. So basically, she didn’t have clue...no surprise there then.
Shibby the surgeon despite being “a business virgin” (another sound bite for  his you’ve been fired show?) was a bit more decisive, settling on “2 chocolaty things and 2 best selling things”. The rest of the team seemed to think this was a great idea.


I am 'a quiver' with anticipation

So, on tonight's episode of The Apprentice apparently, the candidates have to set up and run a bakery. Crumbs! I am a quiver with anticipation!!  Am thoroughly  looking forward to the ineptitude and incompetence that will doubtless ensue. (Which probably says an awful lot about my social life, why am I not out engaging in intelligent discourse with like minded people (i.e. boozing) of an evening instead of stuck in front of the TV watching nonsense? I digress...) I am also hoping that Stuart the Brand get's his comeuppance - he has been around 3 episodes too long...

I know I said I wouldn't, but I did watch some of Sunday's episode of "The only  Way is Essex" (mainly because my daughter insisted). It was worse than appalling (apart from Mark's Nan - who is literally one fag away from sounding JUST like Dot Cotton and MUST have her own show). I suffered through: a series of very orange woman talking nonsense (none of them are Dutch as far as I can tell, there's no excuse); a one sided discussion (daughter talking, me ignoring) about how good Amy the beautician's (whose ambition is to be bigger than Jordan) boob job is and; more talk of Essex fashion week "We want Essex fashion week to really take off." said the misguided promoter (one of the "two twins") "We want people from Milton Keynes, Liverpool..." Seriously???  

Just when I began to believe it could get no worse, the conversation turned to an@l bleaching. Yes my friends, I did actually say "an@l bleaching". I decided enough was enough at that point....


I wonder if there is a Karl Pilkington Fan Club?

An excerpt from the Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington (which will be arriving from Amazon - fingers crossed - tomorrow! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Idiot-Abroad-Travel-Diaries-Pilkington/dp/1847679269/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1287522565&sr=8-3)

"It's an odd one, the Chichen Itza. It was a place built by the original Mayan people and was known for sacrifices (Elton John sang a song called 'Sacrifice' – maybe that's why he's playing here) and ripping out people's hearts and cutting heads off. Not exactly Alton Towers, is it? So it's an odd thing to make into a tourist attraction. May as well start doing tours around Fred West's house if this is what people want."

I also ordered The World of Karl Pilkington (Amazon know what they're doing, I couldn't resist it when I saw it...): Pilkington's is a brilliant mind, locked inside a perfectly round head, and uncluttered by the unhelpful constraints of logic or common sense; factors that have lead him to such dazzling insights as 'you never see old men eating Twix bars' or that the 'Diary of Anne Frank' was 'an Adrian Mole sort of thing'

From Mexico deleted scene where he is musing over a Cactus that has some quite pretty yellow flowers on it: "Its almost like sticking lipstick on a fat woman in leggings. Its like you've got to do better than that like".

He is a comedy genius!!! Watch it, watch it, watch it!!!!  http://sky1.sky.com/an-idiot-abroad  (I should be getting paid for all this advertising!)


You're going to think I'm insane but....

..... More reasons to watch an idiot abroad. First episode when he visited China:

"I don't know where the line is between insects and food. I mean when she wakes up in the morning and sees a spider in the bath. Does she think, I'll have that now, I'll leave the croissant until tomorrow." Hilarious!!!!!!

 "Its weird cause whenever you buy stuff like a toilet roll holders and stuff it says made in China, why don't they use them then?"!!!! Bloke with toilet seat walks past him, "Everyone walking past knows he's gonna have a sh@t at some point today. I wouldn't like that."

"Its not the great wall. Its an alright wall, its the alright wall of China"!!!!

"You don't know me very well, but I know you know I don't like Toad. I've never said to you, I fancy a bit of Toad"!!

Everyone should be watching "An Idiot Abroad'. Quality TV!

Karl Pilkington (the 'idiot' of the title) is just hilarious (unintentionally). Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant decided (at Sky's expense) to send him to see the seven wonders of the world on the grounds that he probably wouldn't like it.  Quite a lot of the time he doesn't(!) resulting in a genuinely funny travelogue,  that the likes of Michale Palin would kill to be able to produce. Karl is actually a bit of a star, wry observation made from the point of view of someone who is genuinely uninterested in leaving his own country, all delivered completely without irony. (For example, Christ the Redeemer in Brazil being described as, something his Aunty Rose "would have up next to her telly"). Apparently, there is a book to accompany the series - I'll be buying that as soon as it hits the shops.

He was in Mexico tonight where he spent the majority of the episode looking for  Mexican Jumping Beans. He'd seen them on Sesame Street when he was a "kid and always wanted to see one in real life".  Strangely, he failed to find one! Highlights included: 
  • Karl offering a Mexican family a packet of Monster Munch (after refusing to share their meal of Chillied Wasp Larvae, which to be fair, he did try to eat), to give them a new experience!! 


X factor - The Storm is over

Diana Vickers should have been voted off - Didn't she (inexplicably) have a number 1 record? Couldn't her record company have invested some of the profit from that in elocution lessons for her? She sings like she has some sort of speech impediment or is speaking in Seal (the animal, not the black guy who's married to Heidi Klum). Storm went, thank God....But why are Diva Fever gone, when Wagner and Cher are STILL in the show???? That means another interminable week of Daddy Snow murdering a perfectly respectable Rap or R&B song. On the upside, Louis did promise us that Wagner was going to do "something incredible" next week. I can't wait......

X Factor - It's a hard knock life, for us....

Cher, straight from the mean streets of Worcestershire, decided to sing a song (very badly) that spoke to her life experience.  It’s a hard knock life, living with your happily married parents and siblings in a suburban semi.... I am confused as to the significance of the grimacing and growling at the end of her performance. Apparently the judges weren’t because they all thought she was great. They loved her "attitude and swagger" and she was (you guessed it) current..... Simon revealed a previously undocumented skill tonight, stating that in Cher,  “I see the future”. Presumably one where everyone stops watching the show as he keeps supporting the progression of this type of drivel.  According to Cheryl she “looks like a pop star, acts like a pop star, sounds like a pop star” and etc.  I thought she looked some sort of hideous parody of an 80's American rapper, who actually did have a hard knock life. (Was Vanilla Ice  80’s or 90’s? Wait,  wasn’t he middle class? So he didn’t have a hard knock life either. Daddy Snow?  Don’t worry,  you’re not the only one who has no idea who he is – if there is any justice in the world Cher will fade into obscurity as quickly. … Side note: I just looked up Daddy Snow on YouTube  - he was truly awful and yet,  still better than Cher … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBEOyuTOxx8)

If I had my way,  Cher would so be gone next week. Sadly, a number of the other contestants are conspiring to ensure I don’t get my wish. Storm  - contender for worst vocal of the evening, followed very closely by Aiden, who is clearly in the advanced stages of cold turkey  (which can be the only explanation for  all the twitching and shaking during his performance) was worse than awful. Not sure what Louis was listening to, even Aiden agreed his performance "was a bit rubbish".  “A bit rubbish”? I beg to differ…more importantly though, he’s proper weird. Aiden needn’t worry about going next week whilst Wagner is still around. “I always knew I was a bit mad”,  he said “I just didn't know how mad”- as expected, he was terrible, terrible, terrible. (Who is styling these people? No shirt and girlie necklace /earring combo – I don’t understand.  Also, how many more times will we have to suffer the indignity of watching the backing dancers fondle themselves before the watershed?  If Wagner is still in next week, I suspect it will be at least 3…)


I am speechless (make the most of it, it doesn't happened often...)

I'd eat my hat, but the weather has started to turn so I'll be needing it. I might have to get one of these.....

The Only Way is Essex? The producers have got it so wrong!

Why was this guy excluded from the cast? (Follow the url, he is hilarious!) I might actually have been tempted to continue watching if he was in it.



"The Only Way is Essex?" No it isn't, seriously, don't go there...

Second episode of the only way is Essex and the question that kept repeating itself to me while I was watching was; "Why?" Why on Earth has this show been commissioned? Why is everyone Orange? Why do they keep saying, “I luv it” in extremely high-pitched voices that are only JUST within range of normal human hearing? Why is everyone called babe (someone please explain)?? Who is it supposed to appeal to? It’s supposed to be the UK’s answer to The Hills, I sincerely hope that no one in the US is watching this and assuming that this lot are representative of any section of British society…

Who the hell is Grandma Twanky?

14 October 2010

I was genuinely looking forward to watching last night's episode of the Apprentice and to that end, was installed in front of the TV, (cup of tea to my right and snuggly fleecy/blanky thing on hand) by 8.45. Why so excited? (I hear you cry). I'll tell you why, because I could have sworn Srallen promised to get rid of Stuart the Brand this week. As usual with this show, I was to be cruelly disappointed. Episode 2 ended with Stuart the Brand still a contestant and the emergence/(almost instantaneous) demise of Grandma Twanky (Katie the Transvestite's Nan?) aka Joy. 

Where on earth did she spring from? I feel fairly certain I would have noticed that hideous visage had she appeared in Episode 1.... I looked her up on the official Apprentice website, she describes herself as a "keen traveller who lived in Peru and New York before the recession struck" I assumed she meant the "Great Depression" that preceded WWII, until I noticed that she was 31???? 31??? (And a few more "?????'s" for good measure). I can only assume that the website is carrying some serious inaccuracies and the "31" refers to the year she was born as opposed to her age??? (A theory supported by some of the other outrageous claims documented on there). Either that or she's had a terribly hard life, made worse by her cruel (and in my opinion, unfair) eviction last night.

The task this week (designing a new beach accessory) was always going to be difficult for this years crop of losers. True to form, they wasted no time in showing how disorganised and lacking in creativity they all are, by suggesting the most ridiculous set of products imaginable. The low point being the "massive hand that would put sun cream on your back", followed very, very closely by the "footglove" and "CUULIE". The latter, we will come back to later....


OK, I finally got around to watching it...

12 October 2010

To be honest, it took a supreme amount of effort on my part to put pen to paper (or to be accurate, finger to keyboard) tonight. I was weak, all my energy having been sapped by the horror of what I had just witnessed. Yes, you've guessed it, I finally got around to watching last Wednesday's episode of the Apprentice....

Did these people really APPLY to be on the show? OR, as I suspect is really the case, did the producers scour the country searching for 16 of the most obnoxious, arrogant and at the same time ignorant people they could find? What I saw tonight indicated the latter... Car crash TV that this is, I will obviously be watching for the next 11 weeks (deep sigh...) I will make it my mission to determine whether there is a brain cell amongst them. I am not holding out much hope.... (Thankfully cute Jamie, the "property consultant" or in English, estate agent, will give me something to look at and ease the suffering).

Where to start? Many, many stupid things were said during the first episode, mainly by Stuart "the Brand". The highlight, potentially of the series (?), being: "Everything I touch turns to sold". Priceless! Bearing in mind he has loads of money, fast cars, a house in the country house (blah, blah, blah), what on earth is he doing on the show??? Not to be outdone: Chris the investment banker insisted that he is "...supremely intelligent in business, I am a very charismatic individual". Okaaaaayyyyyy...

X factor - Britain has gone mad....

Mon Oct 11

So, what on earth is wrong with the British viewing public? What are the judges listening to? Clearly not the same show as I am... Cher (apparently) was "amazing" and "current" and proved herself on Saturday. Clearly the vocals sound very, very different from the judges seats than they do over the t.v. Cher and Katie the transvestite both sounded like cats being microwaved (not that I have ever actually heard a cat being microwaved I hasten to add…) Wagner? I don't think I have adequate words to describe what a 'freak show' that guy is. Who the hell voted for these people???? The same one's who voted for Jedward last year no doubt….  Louis and Danni were definitely gaming, the group that went were infinitely better than Katie (btw is it me or was there only one line, repeated incessantly in her survival song) and they wanted to get rid of the threat early.  

Those of you who are connected to me on facebook will be aware of my utter abhorrence of the phrase 'bring it on' - which was mentioned on more than one occasion on Saturday.  I struggle to believe it can possibly have become common parlance in the UK…. In order to avoid the rot setting in, I am toying with starting up a campaign against the use of the phrase on reality t.v.  All contestants would be made to wear some form of device that administers a non lethal, but suitably painful electric shock every time they say it. Who's in?  Final point, Connie's boobs looked enormous in those dresses she wore this weekend, I was worried she was going to fall out of Saturday's dress, a la Judy Finnegan on that award show a while back. She looks so tiny normally, who knew?!

Today's X factor

09 October 2010 22:40 

Katie the transvestite wasn't as  AWFUL as I expected, but she wasn't as great as SHE thought she was....Basically, she was still rubbish. I  totally agree with Louis, more style than substance. Tracy can sing and is great, but is too old fashioned.  Cher was rubbish and despite the makeover, still looked like a large ant.  Cheryl should be thanking her lucky stars she has Rebecca, (who has to be the best chance Cole has this yr) but she needs to give her better songs. Groups were great, all of them, KK and I are on the same page, might be the year for the groups....

Louis category: John was cute, Mary is a fabulous old bird (if a bit "aging queen") the rest of that category is a freak show. Wagner " I was born in Brazil, now I live in a Bungalow in Dudley" (said, inexplicably in a Dudley accent, hilarious). Louis, "I picked Wagner because he's different" no sh@t Sherlock..... Freak show, end of..... 

Boys: Paije (I am feel fairly certain his parents didn't spell it like that...) is a fantastic singer, but pop star? Don't think so. Louis said "Nicolo, you might not be everybodies cup of tea..." Too bloomin' right, he was awful.  Simon, thinks he "might have gone slightly nuts this year" because he liked it. I agree, he's nuts..... Aiden was MUCH better than I expected, but his arrangement of Mad World was a direct copy of American Idol's Adam Lambert (last year) so NOT original, but at least he's trying something different. Shame he's such a weirdo... 

Hate to have to say it, but I agreed with Simon! This is the bizarrist (I know it's not a real word, but definitely warranted given what I have just been through...) series of X factor ever, I don't know who to vote for... Tiny Tempa, who I love, is a Mary and Belle Amie fan and he didn't like Katie, which is good. Final point Konnie Huq? No, come back Holly, all is forgiven.......
More importantly, I still haven't seen the Apprentice - THE most important reality show on TV-  :-(  Promise I'll watch first thing tomorrow.....

The nightmare is almost upon us...

06 October 2010

So have decided that I need to focus what little energy I will have, whilst suffering the trauma of watching those shows, on "The Apprentice".  Not because the X-Factor contestants are any less stupid, but because they are not given as much opportunity to demonstrate that as the Apprentice guys.  I await tonight's inaugural episode with much trepidation..... Can anyone top "Pants Man"? Its seems unlikely.... Can they possibly find a person more arrogant that Ben "I went to Sandhurst, but am still one of the least intelligent people that has ever appeared on this show" (which is no mean feat!)?  Sadly, I suspect they can....

Sir Alan (I mean Lord Sugar, who will always be "Srallen" to me) has already started entertaining us http://www.unrealitytv.co.uk/x-factor/the-apprentice-2010-alan-sugar-claims-i-am-far-superior-to-simon-cowell/ you've got to love him! Favourite quotes from last series  included:  "I 'ope you're not trying to  suggest that some village is missing it's idiot..";  Or, to a  candidate who had been tasked with selling several items, including a medical skeleton: " The Skelton coulda dun a be'er job than you did".  Classic!!

Early view of the contestants http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/11427694 sadly, no Olive from 'on the buses' look-a-like's this year - Never fear though, I feel certain there will be a myriad of annoying personality traits or physical characteristics that we can use to identify them going forward,  (heaven forbid we use their actual names....), some of them look very odd. (Side note ladies, number 2 is a bit of alright! I pray he's not stupid....)

Quick summary of the X Factor selections last weekend from K and I fyi:

K: Ok, verdict on X Factor! Cheryl, Cher and Katie are going to have a lively time in the loony bin once they get voted out! Cheryl's only saving grace is Rebecca! Louis and Simon picked correctly. Danni still suffering from baby brain - Nicolo!! I actually think one of the groups is going to win! And the twist, ...Nicole is back and gets to pick her favourite rejects!
N: Hopefully, Nicole will put through one of the boys or girls who could actually sing that the other two idiots left out...... Cheryl had 6 really good singers to choose from  (Thankfully, she chose Rebecca) so what did she do?   She chose Katie, who I am convinced is a transvestite and was the only one of the 8 who can't sing  at all ???  Cher, who despite a very good first audition, has been rubbish ever since (and is it just me or does she look like a very large ant?). Don't even get me started on Danni..... 
Danni is at least consistent, she always gets it wrong....